flashback, part I

Mom's 40th day is coming soon. I'm ready to tell the story now.  

******

When I went back home on the last week of August, I didn't know nor had even the faintest hint that it would be the last time I'd see my mother as I knew her all my life. 

I didn't know anything. 

My mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer in February and she chose to keep her battle with it a secret to everyone except my dad. She had a total hysterectomy last May after several sessions of chemotherapy, radiotherapy and brachytherapy (internal radiotherapy), and was then declared cured. According to her journal entries which I would read days after she passed, she was praying for and looking forward to a healthy, wealthy and happy life with us, her family. Mom was grateful.

No one knew she only had six months to live.

When I came back here for a week-long vacation last August, she was her cheerful, enthusiastic self. Mommy was so full of life no one would think she won over cancer just a few months back. She cooked for us, cleaned the house, and even went with me to the salon when I had my nails done. Everything seemed normal. I went back to Singapore on August 31 and life went on as usual. 

I called home one evening a couple of days after Ondoy just to ask how everyone's doing. Paolo picked up and I asked him to get mom. I waited for a minute or so before she was on the other line. When I asked her why, she told me her back hurts and it's painful to stand straight and walk. I asked if she saw a doctor already and she said yes. The doctor said the pain was due to muscle spasms caused by a re-alignment of the spine. She said she was already taking pain meds and was advised to undergo physical therapy. We had a quick chat then I told her to go back to bed and rest. I prayed she'll feel better soon.

After a few days, I called again to check up on her. I was expecting her to be better by then that's why I was shaken up when I heard her sobbing on the end of the line. She said her back is still very painful and the pain meds aren't working. She feels a bit relieved after her physical therapy session but only for a few hours. After we spoke, I had a nagging feeling that I needed to go home. I slept on it and decided, with B's permission, that I will go home to take care of mom and help her out.

I arrived in the Philippines on October 18. I wasn’t prepared to find her in terrible pain, her usually dyed hair showing streaks of grey, her smiling face replaced with a constant frown, and instead of hearty laughs, she gave out whimpers. When I first got home and saw her, I couldn't accept that my mom was in so much pain. I wasn’t even able to kiss her hello because I was scared. I tried acting normal but I knew I can't go on denying the fact that she’s terribly sick. 

It was extremely difficult to see her in so much pain but if I were to help her, I knew I needed to face the truth. So before I slept that night, I cried then prayed for strength. I asked God to work through me so I can help my mom and my family.

The following day, dad took mom to the hospital. We decided it would be better if she's confined and could get her nutrients intravenously. Before they left, I was able to give her a bath, helped her put on her clothes, combed her hair and tied it up in a pony tail. It felt good being able to take care of her. 

When we visited her that evening at the hospital, she was feeling better. She had color on her cheeks again and was smiling! The doctor gave her Oxycontin, an opioid and a very powerful drug to control the pain. I was optimistic. I didn't know then that Oxycontin was used to treat cancer pain.

Mom had her MRI that Thursday at Calamba. When they returned to San Pablo, she manifested other symptoms: her left leg and feet were swollen and she was having a hard time controlling her urine. The doctors didn't tell us anything except that we have to wait for the MRI results.

It was Saturday morning when the ob-oncologist came in and said my mom needed to undergo chemotherapy. We were shocked and confused. My mom - because she thought the cancer was gone, and me, because I didn't know she had cancer in the first place. The doctor said the MRI showed black spots on the marrow on my mom's lumbar spine (where the pain was) and she had tumors close to major arteries. She said doing a biopsy would be too costly and risky and can only be done in Manila. The best next step, she said, was chemotherapy. Mom told the doctor she'll think about it.

When the doctor left, my mom cried and told me and Miko (who was also there at that time) the whole truth about her diagnosis and three-month battle with cervical cancer. She said she was scared but she still managed a smile. We all managed to smile, not knowing what were ahead of us.

trying to deal

So much has happened since my last journal entry. 

My mom had the MRI and the results said that there has been a recurrence of the cancer tumor and it has metastasized to her bones. That's the reason she has been feeling severe pains on her lower back. Her edema is caused by swollen lymph nodes at her groin area, which signifies there's something wrong in her pelvis area. That's the cancer saying "hi, I'm back."

I've cried a couple of times out of disbelief, denial and pity for my mom. She's in so much pain. Although we still get glimpses of the Mayen who was full of life and always bungisngis, most of the time her forehead is wrinkled and instead of laughs, we hear sobs. I really pray the doctors will be able to manage the pain so she can concentrate on getting well.

We've decided to bring her to Manila Doctors Hospital and have Dr. Ricky Luna supervise her chemotherapy. She just finished her first cycle of Cisplatin + Paclitaxel yesterday and she's already feeling the side effects. She gets nauseous and then vomits, feels heavy and has even more swollen feet. I hope these will subside in a few days time.

The doctor said we will only be able to evaluate the effectiveness of the therapy after the third session. If it's working, mommy should feel it. The swelling of the lymph nodes should be gone and her bone pain should decrease. I pray that she'll get better days ahead. My spirit breaks each time I hear her wail in pain.

I'm trying to hold on. I do miss my life a few months back. I was so carefree then, focused on myself and the little goals I have. Now I suddenly have this huge responsibility of being with her and taking care of her. There are moments when I wish this didn't happen and for everything to go back to the way it was. But I know that's not possible. This is my reality now. I have to accept the fact that my mom is sick.

No one requires me to be here. I went back because I wanted to. I'm staying because I want to. I know I can't be in peace if I go back to Singapore, knowing my mom is in so much pain and needs my help.

I want to believe my mom will get better, but sometimes, when she's crying, I realize that it would be alright if God takes her too. I just want her pain to be over, whether she gets well or she moves on. Either way is fine with me. But of course, I'd rather her get well and be around.

This is a difficult time for our family and I am touched by friends and relatives who have expressed their concern and support and offered their help. It is during times like this when your true friends reveal themselves and I am thankful that there are plenty who have said they're praying for us and we are in their thoughts.

what now?

I'm worrying again. My mom has manifested yet another symptom: swollen legs as in her left thigh, knee and calf. She said the left side of her pelvis is painful too. Ano na naman kaya ito? Could it be yet another complication of the hysterectomy she's had six months ago? 

As of today, her symptoms are lower back pain with swelling, swollen left leg, pain in the pelvic area, urinary incontinence and constipation. I wish Dr. Gregory House is here so he can diagnose my mom and start the proper treatment! 

I've been obsessively researching about mom's symptoms in the Internet. I don't know if it's helping or just making me worry. I'm not a doctor after all and if anyone's qualified to diagnose my mom correctly, it's definitely not me. I pray that the doctors at SPCMC know what they're doing. I want to trust them. I pray we'll get results soon coz if not, we may have to consider taking mom to MMC.

But mom just had her MRI yesterday so hopefully, everything that needs to show up will show up so the doctors can start treating her. We really wish for her to get well soon! She's been in discomfort for almost a month!

God please help us! Please work through the people taking care of mom and make her better please, please, please?

the first ad I wrote

Is in today's newspaper (Straits Times)!

Of course my client* edited it but when we started this, there was totally no direction and I was trying to make sense of all the information they gave me. Seven revisions and one week later, it's finally done! They tweaked it but I'm proud to say I gave birth to what eventually grew to be this ad (which still could've been better, if you ask me).

I took on this freelance project to challenge myself. Can I write an ad that will appear in the paper? Well, I just did! The process was grueling and there were times I wondered why did I ever accept it. But it's done and the ad has been published! This is definitely a milestone for me.

I'm a copywriter for an Internet-based hotel booking company now but I'm not sure if I want to turn it to a career. I am curious about working for the big agencies (Ogilvy, Saatchi etc) but I'm not sure if I can handle the stress and the pressure there. Easy go lucky pa man din ako. And I also realized from my experience at my current job, that I can only write for and about products and services I believe in. I hate writing about crappy hotels because deep in my heart I don't want people to stay in places with tons of negative reviews in TripAdvisor. But I try to sell them because that's my job. I don't like that part of marketing copy writing.

Maybe I'm being idealistic but I want to really follow my heart next time I'm on the lookout for a job. That next time is actually now.

But in the meantime, I'll relish the fact that my first ad is on the paper today. Yey!

---

*Can't say who my client is. Madali lang kasi mag-Google ngayon. 

pinas in food, so far

Going home always means stuffing up on food I can't get back in Singapore. When I arrived, the first meal I had was Jollibee's chicken barbecue, which was delicious! The chicken was sweet, tender and juicy and paired nicely with the Java rice and the sweet sauce. I love it!

On our way to San Pablo from the airport, daddy and I passed by my Tita Malou's home at Bel-Air Sta. Rosa. On our way there, I noticed that there was a Conti's that just opened at Nuvali so I told daddy we needed to go there so I can pick up a Mango Bravo, which B and I fell in love with since we tasted it last year.

I love this! It has lots of mangoes, with a sans rival-like pastry inside and plenty of cream! Mommy, Lia and daddy thinks it's sweet but it's just right for me when it's frozen. Yum yum!

Aside from these, I also had Jollibee spaghetti and Chickenjoy, and already cooked adobo and chicken kinulob. I'm thinking of cooking pancit canton later. 

keeping the faith

Mommy is improving, thank God! She and dad are in Calamba Doctors Hospital now so she could get an MRI scan. I pray that everything will be satisfactory. I am looking forward (so much!) to the day when she's back on her feet, loving Michael Jackson and having her hair coloured and her nails done. 

I realized she may not return to how or who she was before she had her hysterectomy so I stopped praying for things to go back to normal. What is normal anyway? What I pray for now is for her to get well and get healthy. I miss hanging out with her and I am really hoping that we can all celebrate Christmas together in Singapore. But now, the priority is to get her healthy and up and running (or even walking) again.

Knowing what we know now, I would've asked her to reconsider the surgery. But I know too that it's useless to think of might've beens so we'd be better off accepting what we have now and to just deal with it. She had the operation already and she's having these issues now. We just have to do our best with the cards we've been dealt.

Besides, there are still a lot of things to be thankful for. One, that my mom doesn't have cancer. Two, that my dad can afford the medical expenses. Three, that we're all here together and that we have family and friends praying for us. Four, that me and my siblings are all grown and self-reliant. I am really thankful that my brothers grew up to be the reliable boys, rather, men, that they are now. Miko has been driving us around. Paolo relieves dad at the hospital. Lia isn't around but I'm sure we can rely on her too when weekend comes.

I still wish Reden were here because I get lonely sometimes. I'm just so used to this house being full of life and now I know that my mom has got a lot to do with that. This house could feel a bit empty when you're alone here. Buti na lang the dogs are here.

My first week here is almost up. Two more weeks to go. I pray that before I leave, mommy will be back home, able to eat on her own, rest on the couch, not in pain anymore, and hopefully, undergoing physical therapy that will help her spine and muscles. 

I was reading the Daily Bread the other day and the thought for that day was "Be faithful - leave the results to God." I've always believed that God speaks to us in the language we understand. I know God spoke with me that day and He told me that. I will keep the faith and just entrust the future to God. 

getting better

I am glad my mom is feeling much much better today. She was already able to sleep and lie down flat on the bed. She's no longer pale and is able to eat a bit too. These are significant improvements and I'm really grateful.

Last night when we visited, Tita Gina and Tito Philip were both there. I realized that we're not alone in this and we have friends and family who are with us in this both physically and in prayers. Even Nora is worried about mom and is glad when I updated her about mom's condition. "Hay salamat," she said.

Mom still needs to go through an MRI to so the doctors can see her internal organs. I pray she doesn't and won't have adhesions in her bowel, or else, she might go under the knife again. She's also incontinent and would need a diaper tonight. I hope it's just a minor side effect and nothing serious. I am fervently praying for her complete recovery but for now, I am satisfied and appeased seeing her smile, laugh and sleep again.

Thank You God!

home alone

It feels weird to be alone in our home in San Pablo. Since I moved to Singapore, each time I came back here for a holiday someone would always be here with me. That's usually my mom, and we'll be talking and watching TV, eating then watching TV, surfing the net then watching TV, and sometimes, napping together. 

Now she's not here. She's at the hospital, being fed intravenously because either she's in too much pain she can't eat or the medicines she's taking are making her lose her appetite. Whatever the reason behind that, I know that the dextrose would be good for her.

When I arrived yesterday, I couldn't see the mother I knew. She was frail and without energy, could barely stand and walk. Her white hair was showing and her nails are in need of a manicure and pedicure. I think this is the first time I've seen her like this. She's always made up and perky and funny. It's painful to see her hurting and losing her spirit.

I cried myself to sleep last night but without praying/begging God to help my mom first. I know for sure that this will be over soon and she'll get well, but she needs strength and patience. We, her caregivers, need strength and patience. 

We are lucky our dad's around and is being my mom's primary caregiver. I know he's stressed but he's trying to stay calm and to focus on the task at hand, which is to get my mom better. I know he wants so much to take the pain away from my mom and for things to go back to the way they were. I know he's tired, and I when I saw how he loses sleep while taking care of mom, I began worrying about his health too. I pray God will bless him with strength physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

The boys and Lia seem to be taking the situation well, but I know they have their worries too. We can't expect them to drop everything naman because they're young. But I'm glad they're doing their bit to make life easier for dad and mom.

I'm not scared. I'm just sad. Being alone at home makes me want to breakdown and cry. Although I want my husband to be with me now, I know it would be unfair for me to expect nor request that from him. We have a life there and someone's gotta continue living it. I know I have to be strong for my and my family's sake. 

I'm trying my very best to stay in the moment and to keep the faith, to continue believing that soon, my mom will be well. I just need to do what I can and contribute what I can so that someday, when all this is over, I can look back and be able to say, I did my part. 

how to reserve a seat in Singapore

Use a packet of tissue! 

This method can be used at the hawker centres and food courts in malls. Food vendors in both don't give tissue when you buy meals from them so people here always have a packet of facial tissue at hand. It doubles as a way to reserve seats, especially during lunchtime when hawker centres and food courts get packed. The practice is so ingrained in the culture that merchants use tissue packets to market their products and services, like the one in the above photo.

celebrations

Celebrating the mid-autumn festival

This year, to celebrate the Mid-Autumn Festival, we bought a box of Champage Truffle and White Chocolate Ganache mooncakes from Fairmont Hotel. Unlike the traditional mooncakes, which were baked and had salted duck egg yolks at the center, these had a soft, pale yellow snowskin and a champagne truffle and white chocolate ganache center. I thought the alcohol wouldn't go well with the lotus paste filling but it turned out to be a lovely combination. It was good!

My officemate, Karen, brought me a couple of traditional mooncakes from her cousin's bakery. We had them for breakfast one morning and they went well with brewed coffee. (Since we love having coffee anyway, we decided to buy a filter drip coffee maker.)

Celebrated Rina's birthday

We celebrated Rina's birthday at our favorite sushi place - Sushi Tei! We sat beside the conveyor belt so we had a fun time waiting and picking which plates we'd get. We also ordered our (B and I) favorite Dragon Roll and Golden Roll. 

They loved the Golden Roll more, but I loved the dragon roll. The contrast of the avocado's creaminess to the crispy fried prawn was just divine. 

Newly permed Nell had scallops, which we tried too. They were delicious! 

We also had fried squid, sushi with fried prawn and ebi tempura! Yum yum yum!

And Erwin came too!

The people that kept B sane when he first came to Singapore 

 

travel

Travel is empowering that’s why I love it. Being able to navigate streets in a foreign city and do things I haven’t done before have given me a sense of strength and confidence. Travel made me realize that I can make things happen.

I’m lucky to have married a man who supports my lust for travel and is open to going places with me. We’ve visited a couple of cities in various countries already and all our experiences have made us stronger as a team. If we were physically fit, can drive and can swim, we probably have auditioned for Amazing Race already.  Travel empowers us as partners and makes us feel we can do anything if we work together.

*****

During our recent trip to the US, I realized a couple of things:

One, if you really, really want something, you have to make it happen. You can’t just leave your dreams and life to chance. Opportunities are blessings so when they’re given to you, you should be ready to grab it. That opprtunity came when our company offered a one-month unpaid leave option as part of its cost-cutting measures. Since I had one month to spare, I brought up the idea of going on a big trip to B and he agreed. We originally wanted to visit friends in Auckland, New Zealand but when we realized that trip would cost us almost the same amount as going to the US, we decided to change our plans and go stateside instead.

Two, you’ve got to be open to everything. We love making plans which is good for us. Plans helps us get things done, but sometimes we’re so attached to them we get stressed out and frustrated when events turn out the way we want them. So, why resist? It’s just easier to go with the flow. Same goes with expectations. Expectations set us up for disappointment so it’s better to just be open.

Mission Dolores and the Palace of Fine Arts were not in our itinerary when we visited San Francisco. But when we saw these beauties from afar, we knew we just had to make a detour and see them up close.

Three, you can never get lost in unfamiliar territory. When you’re travelling, every street corner presents an interesting surprise. Every person we meet or situation we find ourselves in presents an interesting surprise. I think I can say the same about life.

tita malou

As a little girl, Tita Malou was the aunt who brought cakes on our birthdays. Lia and I were her only pamangkins at that time and each year as far as I can remember she would buy a fairy tale-themed cake from Joni’s at Makati and bring it all the way to Los Baños for our birthday celebrations.

On my sixth birthday, I thought she wouldn’t come. It was dark and it was raining heavily. All my guests are already at our apartment except her. Midway through the party, while the guests were busy eating, we assumed she won’t make it so mom and I went to the local bakery and bought a small mocca cake with a cheap Wonderwoman figurine on top. I was a bit sad because it wasn’t even half as pretty as a Joni’s cake, but it’s better than not having any cake at all. When we arrived back at our apartment, she was there. And at the table was my Snow White-themed cake with a number six candle waiting to be blown.

She was also the aunt with the Barbie collection. I loved vacationing at her apartment in Makati because of that. I can’t remember if she allowed me to play with them, but I did. I just made sure to be careful and put them back as they were when I found them: their hair untangled and both their tiny shoes still on, in their boxes on the shelf.

And she was the aunt who brought us to Tinseltown. That was how Makati used to be during the holiday season in the 80s. Trees along Ayala and Makati avenues were wrapped in colourful lights, with parols and angels, bells and trumpets. To a little Laguneñas eyes, that was awesome.

Then there were the fireworks during the New Year. There was nothing like it back in Laguna. There were trumpillos and fountains, both of which were more dazzling than our usual luces and Roman candles. The following New Year, I think I begged my dad to include both on our fireworks repertoire back home.

She was the aunt who brought us to Enchanted Kingdom when it was newly opened. And to Kenny Rogers. And Baguio.

She was the aunt who let me spend time with her in Makati, taking me to her place of work, SM and Quad. She amazed me with her English, and her heels and her CD collection. She travelled to Brunei and the US. She even wanted all of us to go visit Disneyland Hong Kong.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.

Tita Malou was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. I didn’t know about it until she was already undergoing chemotherapy. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see her during that difficult time in her life. I guess I took her for granted. But she was a strong woman and she overcame that challenge on her own, with very little assistance from us.

After two or three years, she had a remission. She just migrated to the US during that time when she experienced chills and had fever for an unknown reason. The doctors confirmed the cancer was back, this time in her bone marrow. She went back to the Philippines to get the necessary treatments, and for a while, she seemed to get better. The whole family was even able to go on a trip to the beach that summer. My aunts, uncles and cousins from the US and Dubai all flew back so we can all spend a little time with her.

At that time, I had my own scare too. I was diagnosed with a lump on my right breast but fortunately, the biopsy result showed it was benign. When I told her about my surgery, she spoke to me as a caring and worried aunt. I’m sure she told me a lot but the only thing I remember now is one syllable: “tsk.” Unfortunately, I can’t recall what that was for.

She was confined at the Makati Med for several months and I visited her a couple of times. Sometimes her friends would come over to pray over her, chat with her and just be with her. One time I caught her while she was having her chemo. She was so weak it was painful to look at her. She wasn’t the Tita Malou I knew. She wasn’t the aunt who brought Joni’s cakes, the fashionable Makati girl, the aunt who was strict but caring, the aunt who brought us to Enchanted Kingdom and Baguio. I felt she was slowly fading away.

She died the month of my birthday and I was there when her body was cremated at the Loyola Chapels. I was with dad and my Tita Liza. I cried that day but I was relieved too because finally, she was free and she can finally be with God and my Lolo, her father.

My Lola used to ask “bakit ba naman yun ay napabayaan?” referring to my Tita Malou’s breast cancer. Perhaps if the lump were detected before it became cancerous, things would’ve been different and she would still be with us now. I also regret not having spent a lot of time with her and not being able to really get to know her. But the past is over and what happened is done.

Let’s avoid could’ve beens and act when we can – now. I encourage you, my lady friends, to check your breasts regularly each month and undergo ultrasound scans or mammograms annually. Do it before it’s too late.

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

i thank God...

1. It's Friday! I hope everyone back home is safe and ready for Parma's arrival. I'm praying this typhoon is not going to be as bad as Ketsana.

2. That Watsons is carrying Rimmel already!

I almost leapt for joy when I saw this!

I'm currently using Rimmel's Sexy Curves mascara and I like it. The formula's not too harsh compared with MAC's Plushlash and it doesn't smudge. Instead of bristles, the brush is made of plastic and has a curved design which defines the lashes perfectly. It's easy to apply too. The product claims to give you 7x more volume but I want more so I'll probably try another of their mascaras.

3. For the library!

I borrowed A Course in Miracles, which my mom introduced to me. I receive Marianne Williamson's Miracle Thought podcasts in my inbox and she often refers to this book. I browsed through it and the material seemed really hard to digest. So to counter ACIM's seriousness, I borrowed InStyle Instant Style. I think I found my personal style already but I still need to hone it and streamline my wardrobe too. I love reading books like this because they give me ideas on how to do exactly that.

Aside from books, I also borrowed DVDs of Funny Face and Breakfast at Tiffany's. I fell in love with Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday (where she won an Oscar for best actress) so I want to watch her in these two films. I want to see the fashion too!

4. For dinner at Ajisen Ramen with my dear husband! I had Hokkaido Butter Corn and shared crispy cuttlefish and white fish with B for starters. Yum yum! Pano ba naman hindi tataba? 

5. For the money in my bank account! I'm glad and grateful we survived one month with only B's salary and the pay I got from a freelance gig I did with Jec. 

a day off in September

Since our salaries got cut, we were entitled to one extra day off each month. I used my allotment for September last Tuesday.

First order of business was to visit the Bedok Polyclinic. I went to the poly to get a specialist referral from a GP (general practitioner). I arrived at the clinic a bit past 9AM, saw the doctor at 12 and was finished by 1PM. I got the referral and an appointment with a specialist. 

I was starving when I got out of there so I went straight to the hawker centre and got myself a plate of charsiew barbecued pork and roasted pork on rice. Yuh-mee! Sweet, tender charsiew paired with salty, crispy roasted pork belly is heaven. I know it could take me there easily as well so I try to limit eating this dish to once every two weeks or less. Food here is divine but deadly.

After I devoured my $3.50 lunch, I stopped by the fruit stand to buy a slice of papaya then ate it on my way to the bus interchange. I then took the 30, which is the fastest way I could get to Vivo City. At 1:30PM, we were on our way and by 2PM, I was at the mall.

I leisurely made my way to GV Cinemas. Didn't need to sprint. I had more than enough time to buy my tickets for The September Issue. The movie wasn't going to start until 2:40PM so I went to Page One first to browse the magazines and design and photography books. I checked out the Lomo cameras too. I'm inspired by beautiful things. And the smell of new books. And the crispness of magazine pages. I can spend hours just browsing every single shelf there. I kept looking at my cellphone though because I might stay too long and miss my movie.

I gave myself 10 minutes to laze at the cinema lobby, and around 2:38, two minutes before showing, they started letting people in. When I got in the theatre, there was only me and a lady. And we were sitting beside each other on the same row! I found it weird that my husband wasn't beside me. We've been watching movies together for four years. This was my first time to watch a movie on my own. Ever. I then thought that maybe if George or Marge were here I could've dragged them with me to watch what goes on behind the scenes of Vogue. If they were not interested in Anna Wintour, they'd at least be interested in the editorial process and the overall operations of a behemoth publication. I missed my girlfriends.

I initially found it strange to not have someone to share my side comments and opinions with or to laugh with, but after a while I realized, it was okay. Probably, one of the reasons cinemas are dark is for the audience to not feel self conscious. They can cry when they're touched, laugh at funny moments, hide their faces with their hands when they're scared.



But RJ Cutler's The September Issue didn't make me cry. What it did was was humanize Anna Wintour for me. I always thought she was this distant, cold and intimidating editor. Well, she is all that (and a talented and diligent one at that) but she's also a mother whose weakness is her children. I loved seeing her light up when she was with her daughter Bee Shaffer.

I also saw tiny cracks on Anna's chilly exterior when she was asked what her siblings think about her job. She said they find it "amusing" while smiling a seemingly uncomfortable smile. Being an editor of a fashion magazine might just be too frivolous for a family of more serious professions (a sister is with Public Services International and her younger brother is political editor of The Guardian).

Grace Coddignton and Anna Wintour

Fashion is definitely not silly for Anna Wintour and Vogue's creative director, Grace Coddington. If Anna is the brain of Vogue, then Grace is its heart. She has an amazing talent for translating concepts into stunning photographs and even Anna herself recognizes Grace as a genius.

These two women balance each other out: Anna sees fashion as a business while Grace sees it as an art; Anna likes putting celebrities on the cover, Grace can live without them; Anna is fasyon, Grace (who used to be a model) has wild hair and wears shapeless dresses and flat shoes. They don't agree all the time but they balance each other out. And that dynamic is what drives the documentary and perhaps, Vogue itself.

I left the cinema feeling satisfied and nostalgic about my short stint at Prestige. Then I remembered why I left and I wasn't so nostalgic anymore. Haha.

Since it was just a few hours before 6PM, I decided to wait for B so we could have dinner before going home. We then enjoyed an umami-rich (of the natural, non-Ajinomoto kind) meal at Sushi Tei - IMHO, the best place for affordable sushi, ramen and sashimi here, IMHO. Nothing like good food and even better company to end the day.

Repost: Singapore friends who want to help Ondoy victims

To all Pinoys in Singapore, if you would like to help our kababayans impacted by the floods, the drop off point for relief goods is Afreight Cargo, #03-09 Lucky Plaza, Orchard Road. Contact Person: Maureen Schepers 6235-1011/91117855. Please pass on this info to fellow Filipinos and Non-Filipinos who would like to help.

Ondoy's aftermath

The devastation left by typhoon Ondoy really made me sad. We Filipinos are used to disasters but this one is just heart wrenching. Probably because this time it's "indestructible" Manila that's affected. Seeing the Makati underpasses we used to walk on to get home overflowing with water is painful. There was a lot of damage and a lot of people displaced. 

We're lucky our families and homes are safe but we feel for everyone who stayed on their roofs and watched as their belongings get washed away and their homes, drenched; our sympathies are with those who lost their loved ones. This is a terrible disaster but like many others before it, it has left us with many valuable lessons--not only on government and preparedness, but in life. 

It's in times like this that life's truths shine through: 

-Things are just, things. People are more important. 

-Tragedies are great equalizers. Mother Nature doesn't discriminate among races and social classes. 

-Disasters bring out the best in people and the worst too.

-Life is short. It can be gone any second so we should focus on the things that really, really matter.

May God bless us all.

four years

Four years ago, I went on a date with a friend. (I asked him out.)

We had pasta at Cibo then watched Prime (starring Uma Thurman and Meryl Streep) at Eastwood City. In a span of five to six hours, he officially became my boyfriend.

Yeah, we're both easy that way. Hahaha.

We've been together four years now and he has proven to be a great catch.

Happy anniversary B! I'm looking forward to sharing more pasta plates, watching more movies, travelling to more cities and living life with you. I love you!

channeling my inner stylist

I found this site through chuvaness and I love it!

Here's the first look I created. I hope I can find a jean jacket just like that so I can try this look before maxi dresses become passe.

I would've made the model wear flats but the selection is limited. The wedges are nice though. 

back home

The Mateos are back! Well, I'm still here in the Philippines and will be recuperating (aka adjusting to the time zone) for a week before I head back to Singapore. It's unbelievable how quickly our days in the US went by! We had an awesome time there but we're glad to be back. 

SFO in five hours

We're spending two days and a night in San Francisco and I found it extremely difficult to choose which neighborhoods to explore there. But amazingly, this guy did it in five hours!

I think I'm going to break the rule of not wearing athletic shoes in the city. I have to wear the comfiest shoes I have because we're breezing through Golden Gate Bridge, Haight-Ashbury, Mission, Alamo Square, Union Square and Fisherman's Wharf on day 1. Then on day 2, we'll be going to Alcatraz, North Beach, Telegraph Hill and Chinatown. Just looking at our itinerary makes me tired already! But I'm super excited to lose my heart (and our way too! but not too much, hehe) in San Francisco!

Off in five days! Yahoooo!

practicing non-attachment

Today's events reminded me of the importance of detachment.  

Detachment doesn't mean not caring or having walang pakialam. Instead, it's recognizing that whatever we have or are going through at the present moment WILL. PASS. TOO.

Being non-attached to persons, things and situations (whether it's something small like a two and a half year old phone or something important like a one year old job) helps me appreciate what I have  because I know that sooner or later, they'll be gone. And when I'm going through something difficult, knowing that whatever I'm experiencing right now will pass too allows me to keep my perspective and remain focused on what I have to do instead of worrying about things I don't have control over.

I wasn't always like this. There was a time in my life when I wanted to have control over everything. I didn't like being away from my mom and dad because I was scared that something might happen to them while we were apart. Then, when I started having relationships, I began worrying about being cheated on and all those sh*t you see happen in movies. Fortunately, I realized that there are things bigger than me and that there are just some things I can't control (including people), that whatever it was I was concerned about at that time I just have to pray for and lift to God.

It was during high school, I think, that this shift in me happened, but I'm sure it was brought about by this:

The Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

I hope this brings a shift in you, too. Well, if you need it.

ito ang send off

Sabi ng boss ko kanina, given the company's situation, hindi daw siya sure kung anong plano ng new manager namin sa akin (contractual kasi ako). Ibig sabihin, may possibility na pag balik ko galing sa aking one-month vacation ay wala na akong trabaho. Sabi ko okay lang, basta sabihin na lang niya para hindi na ako bumalik sa office.

Hindi na ako nasorpresa sa balita kasi anim na buwan na eh hindi pa din nila ako iniisyuhan ng kontrata. Yung pag-extend sa kontrata ko sinabi lang sa akin. Nagfollow-up naman ako regarding the contract pero wala silang binigay. At yung manager namin sa London, hindi rin nagrereply tuwing nageemail ako. Bastos ano? Pero nagtrabaho pa din ako dahil sineswelduhan naman ako.

May times na nalungkot at nafrustrate ako dahil pakiramdam ko ay dinadaya ako ng company. Natuto na nga akong maging manhid sa sitwasyon. Wala na akong pakialam sa kontrata basta sumasahod ako, tuloy ang trabaho. Tapos ngayon, ito nga ang balita.

Hindi ako nalungkot. Hindi din ako natakot. I guess ineexpect ko na ang araw na to. At the back of my mind, alam ko this day will come. Ready naman ako. So kung may matanggap akong email habang nagbabakasyon next month, matatanggap ko ng buong-buo. Whatever happens, it will be for a good reason.

Basta mag-eenjoy ako sa bakasyon namin. Mageenjoy ako ng todo.

--

B and I had an interesting conversation today. We were talking about lucky charms then I said maybe charms act as a placebo. If you believe you'll be lucky because of those charms, then you will be lucky. Sabi nga sa The Secret, if you genuinely believe in something, then sooner or later it will manifest in your life. Something to do with being in the same frequency as the Universe. (Read the book if you haven't yet.)

The conversation evolved and we ended up talking about us and where we are now. We realized that at this point in our marriage and in our lives, we're not ready to get serious yet. By "serious" we mean, big, adult, long-term things, like buying a house or raising a child. Sure, we want to do and have those eventually but right now we're just having a great, fun time just going with the flow, taking it easy, travelling and just being ourselves. After all, we only get to do this for a while.

Tapos napagusapan namin ang conventions and how society expects a man and a woman in a relationship to get married, buy a house, have a kid and have another kid and another and another - in that order. Ang effect sa amin (at siguro sa ibang couples din) ng expectation na ito can be summarized in one word: pressure. 

We feel like we have to follow society's timeline even if we're not ready yet. Kaya we get anxious when someone asks us if we have a baby or if we're pregnant yet. We try to take the questions lightly and answer them with a polite, "no, not yet" but we can't help feeling like there's something wrong with us. If it's time, it's time. God will make it happen.

today's gratitude

Today I'm grateful that I was able to finish writing descriptions for all my Rome hotels. Finally! I think I wrote descriptions for about 250 hotels.

*****

I admire people who do their jobs really well. I wonder whether they've found their passion or are just passionate about doing a kick-ass job. Maybe we just have to stop thinking and just do what we have to do. 

i'm obese and don't have protection against hepa A and B

But everything else is normal, according to the health screening report I got from Raffles Medical. I am happy with the results. I was initially quite worried that I may have high blood pressure or high cholesterol or cancerous cells in my cervix or that my heart is beating abnormally, but praise God, it turned out I didn't have to worry about a single thing!

My blood pressure was 110/70, my heart beat's rhythm is regular and its sound, normal. Both my breasts are normal (thank God!), and my thyroid normal. EENT+pharynx are normal, as with all the organs in my abdomen. Even my rectum is normal! Hahaha!

My BMI is 28.6, which is high risk for cardiovascular disease according to Asian BMI cut-off points and moderate risk for WHO BMIs. My 10-year risk for developing coronary heart disease is less than 1 percent. Cool. 

When my doctor said "Your'e normal," I gave her a huge smile and said "Great!" Now I know that I only have to focus on my weight so I may be classified as perfectly healthy. But I'm really happy that I'm generally okay.

I updated my RealAge test and the result says I'm 2.7 years older than my chronological age. Not bad. I think losing 2.7 years is manageable.

I love and am really grateful for my body!  

MJ

I was never a Michael Jackson fan. Sure I liked some of his songs but no, I wasn't a fan. I found him too weird and his cosmetically altered appearance too freaky. But since I heard news about his "untimely" death, I found myself interested in Michael Jackson. I watched his music videos, read the obituaries, stayed tuned to the news. It's funny how death makes us stop and take notice. When he was alive, we ridiculed and judged him, wrote him off as crazy. Now, we remember all the good and beautiful about him, how he cared and made people happy. 

I watched the memorial service rerun and couldn't help but wonder: where were all these people when Michael Jackson was in his lowest of lows? We'll never know but I do hope they were there for him. 

This poem was written by Maya Angelou and was read by Queen Latifah at the memorial service. I think it's beautiful.

We Had Him

Beloveds, now we know that we know nothing, now that our bright and shining star can slip away from our fingertips like a puff of summer wind.

Without notice, our dear love can escape our doting embrace. 

Sing our songs among the stars and walk our dances across the face of the moon.

In the instant that Michael is gone, we know nothing. 

No clocks can tell time. 

No oceans can rush our tides with the abrupt absence of our treasure.

Though we are many, each of us is achingly alone, piercingly alone.

Only when we confess our confusion can we remember that he was a gift to us and we did have him.

He came to us from the creator, trailing creativity in abundance.

Despite the anguish, his life was sheathed in mother love, family love, and survived and did more than that.

He thrived with passion and compassion, humor and style. We had him whether we know who he was or did not know, he was ours and we were his.

We had him, beautiful, delighting our eyes.

His hat, aslant over his brow, and took a pose on his toes for all of us.

And we laughed and stomped our feet for him.

We were enchanted with his passion because he held nothing. 

He gave us all he had been given.

Today in Tokyo, beneath the Eiffel Tower, in Ghana's Black Star Square.

In Johannesburg and Pittsburgh, in Birmingham, Alabama, and Birmingham, England

We are missing Michael.

But we do know we had him, and we are the world.

asparagus wrapped in bacon

We had this for dinner tonight.  

Yum!

saturday mornings are made for these

Last Saturday, both of us were too lazy to cook breakfast so we headed to our neighbourhood Coffee Club. 

It was a beautiful Saturday morning - perfect for a special breakfast.

At Coffee Club, thinking of what to eat.

But first, some coffee. I had pure Ethiopian Yirgacheffe 

(a best seller, according to our server, and it had every right to be!) 

while B had Hazelnut Cappuccino. 

B's cappuccino came with a cinnamon stick! 

He used it to stir the coffee first before letting it soak. 

Now, for the main event! I had Spanish Chorizo Omelette - 

it had chorizos and grilled capsicum inside. Yum!

B had classic American breakfast, which consisted of 

bacon, sausages, eggs, grilled tomatoes and toast.

The aftermath.

These are three things I can't give up, ever: 

lazy Saturday mornings, delicious breakfasts and B. 

something bigger than myself

I had a dream last night. In my dream, I was a new hire on President Obama's staff and he asked me to create a presentation on this guy who he was about to have a meeting with. Mr. President told me he needed it early morning the next day and even if it was a rush job, I felt okay because (and I remember myself saying this in my dream) "it's a job bigger than myself." I was serving the world's most powerful man after all.

Mrs. O also tasked me to wake her up at 10AM the following day because she had a wedding to attend. It was her sister's and it was going to be held at the White House.

The next day, while I was doing research and President Obama was having a meeting with his team early in the morning, a commotion suddenly erupted in the household. Turned out, the bride-to-be burned her dress and half of her body because something exploded in the bathroom! Haha. Everything became blurry to me after that and next thing I knew, it was time to wake up.

Funny dream. I wonder what it means. Naghalo na yata ang napanood ko sa Nat Geo, yung Inside Guantanamo at ang excitement ko sa pagpunta namin sa States.

Sa Inside, one of the lady soldiers who was assigned to be a guard said na kaya daw siya sumali sa USAF was because it was a job bigger than herself. Sadly, it hasn't felt that way since she joined the armed forces.

*****

Sa subject ng TV shows, sa episode ni Oprah about young mogul millionaires, sabi ni Tony Hsieh, isang batang millionaire at CEO ng Zappos.com at that time, "Follow your passion and the money will follow." After that episode I was thinking of what my passion was and how can I get paid doing it.

Ang sabi ni Tony, your passion is the one thing you'd be willing to do for 10 years whether you earn a single dime for it or not. Don't get into something for the money daw because if you do that, you'll end up making the wrong decisions.

It's important for me to find my passion because I feel that when we're doing what we love and love what we do, that's when we are one with God. I am yearning to feel that - to be one with God, to feel like I'm doing what I was created to do.

I think I know what it is. I just don't know how to make it happen.

Yet.

abala

Pardon my absence. I've been busy playing Restaurant City at the other social networking site. 

I recently added the application on my profile to give it a try and I got hooked. Now I log in first thing in the morning, then again when I get to work. I check on my workers' energy levels every three hours to let them rest for a while. Then I log back in to make them work again. This goes on until it's time to go home at 6PM. Once we're home, I log in and do the drill until it's bedtime.

Ah, the life of online gaming addicts. I didn't know it was like this to be hooked. I know, this is child's play compared with, I dunno, Counterstrike? Ano bang bago ngayon? Haha. Obviously, I'm not aware of the recent trends in online gaming.

I'm ashamed to admit my newfound addiction to RC because I used to nag my poor husband about his Neopets-Mafia Wars-Restaurant City habits. I didn't see the point of it all. What's so exciting about it? Bakit ako magtitiyagang mag-earn ng points for that? What will I gain? Wala namang cash or medals dito. But now, oh now I know. 

There's something satisfying about earning points for the sake of. And to see your restaurant thriving! Wah, if it was only that easy in real life. The game is fun too, and kinda tickles my brain. Hey, you need strategy for this. Haha.

That's all for now dear friends. I hope you have a fantastic weekend! 

an epiphany

It's not my choice of words. The challenge is making my mind more flexible so I can think of describing the same thing a million unique times.

ano kaya?

Pwede kayang iba naman ang gawin ko sa buhay? Parang wala nang words na lumalabas sa akin.

another win!

My husband is crazy about lucky draws and contests. (I think it runs in the family. Just look at my SIL's winnings from online contests!) If he didn't insist on claiming our raffle entry from Harbourfront Centre, we wouldn't have won free accommodation at Angsana Bintan.

Ayan, meron na naman siyang kinarir na contest at nanalo:

Hehehe. At least libre na tickets namin sa Transformers or Harry Potter or Ice Age or UP! Hehehe. Congrats B!

***

By the way, I already claimed the voucher for Angsana Bintan at nakakairita ang dami ng restrictions! Hindi pwede ng weekend, public holiday at eve ng public holiday. In short, kailangan magleave! Tapos non-transferable pa so hindi pwede ibigay or ibenta sa iba. Oh well. We get what we don't pay for. Hehehe.