No matter how happy we are and how perfect our life may seem, there are just days when things are a bit off and we lose sight of what is important and great in our lives. I've had a lot of those days and yesterday and the day before and the day before the day before yesterday, were among those when I felt nothing was going right and I was anxious and pressured and stressed. So this morning when I got to work, I decided that I wanted today to be different. I realized that nobody else can "fix" the things going on in my mind except me. I sat down and gave myself a talking-to via a very honest journal entry. It's amazing how writing down everything that was bothering me freed me from all of it. After I ended the entry, I felt lighter, more free, peaceful, happy. On a pink Post-it, I wrote myself a note. It's sort of a door I can get out of in case stressful situations arise, a drug my crazy self can take so she can become lucid again. The note only contains four small words, but has a huge, huge impact on my disposition:I AM HERE NOW. I wrote it so I'll always remember that this moment is all I got and I should be here, present and aware. It's so easy to get caught up in life's should be's and what if's that I lose sight of what's right before me. I've got plenty to be thankful for so complaining about a thing or two about what I perceive I lack or not going right in my life is such a waste of energy and just plain unnecessary!
Woah! 
All is good great!
Namaste.
I AM HERE NOW.I've got to keep remembering this. I feel the world is spinning at warp speed again lately. I haven't been focusing on the "present" as much as I should that's why I've been feeling pressured and stressed again. Maybe my hormones are going crazy or maybe, it's me who's going crazy. I've been really bothered by a couple of things:- My mom's condition. I try not to worry because it is just a waste of energy, but I can't help it sometimes. I always pray for her and the outcome of the biopsy though. Whatever happens is beyond our control but I really, really hope everything will be fine. - Babies. Babies are invading my brain! I feel that everyone's getting pregnant except us. But of course that's an exaggeration. Not everyone is pregnant, but a lot of our friends either are pregnant or just had a baby. Yen and Julius. Christine and Marjon. Denice and Mike. On good days, I think Reden and I are just not ready yet and God is just delaying giving us a child. On bad days, I think something's wrong with us, and on really bad days, I get anxious thinking that maybe we are not cut out to be parents - at all. I know I shouldn't worry and should get a hold of myself. I'm just feeling pressured to conform to tradition: after marrying, you should have a child. I feel that if we don't, then we're going to be miserable our whole lives, when that is not actually the case. We've got plenty to do if our marriage doesn't "bear fruit", plus, we could always adopt if we're really up to the challenge of raising a child. Again, I should get a hold of myself. God has plans and I should'nt jump to conclusions. All we can do is what we can do NOW. Beyond that is God's territory.But!!! I really envy those who are going to be moms, or are moms. Having a child just opens up this other dimension in a couple and introduces them to another version of them, which is being parents. I just think that is awesome and I fervently pray that we get to experience that. God, kayo na ang bahala.- My job. Writing marketing copy for our promotions have been enjoyable. Now we're back to writing descriptions for hotels and I'm just B-O-R-E-D. I know it becomes what I think it is so maybe I should just try harder to find something likable (or even lovable) about what I'm doing NOW. However, I should probably keep an eye on opportunities too. What I do everyday just has too big an impact on my disposition so I don't think settling for something I don't have genuine interest in is not the best option. I feel I won't find the job though until I am sure of what I really would love to do on a daily basis for years to come. Or maybe such a job doesn't exist. Maybe we naturally change interests and passions in the course of our lives. Maybe what works now won't necessarily work later and I should cut myself some slack in finding my "life's work." Whatever. What I am sure of today is that I want to be a mother. Which brings us back to issue number 2. Hayy!I know, I know. There are things that are bigger than me right now (and always) and I should just focus on what I HAVE instead of what I don't. There are plenty to be thankful for, like:- My loving and supportive husband, Reden;- My perfectly functioning body;- Our capacity to travel (which we probably won't be able to do much of once we have kids);- My dad who is taking care of my momThe list could go on. My life isn't really that bad. Actually, it's not bad at all. All is good so I can't understand why the heck I'm ranting about two or three things in my life!I AM HERE NOW.ALL IS GOOD.Gotta remember these more often.
Mommy underwent hysterectomy yesterday. Thank God the operation went well.When I first heard about her condition last Sunday (Mother's Day), I broke down as I tried to make sense of it. I am glad I am with Reden when I heard. He immediately went to my side and comforted me. I am lucky and blessed to have such a sensitive and loving husband. I pray that my mom will recover quickly and that the result of the biopsy will be negative of malignancy. I pray that whatever happens, we will be able to face it together as a family. Please bless us God.
I'm back in the office and I'm not at all thrilled. This is the last place I actually want to be right now. I like what I do but I just don't feel connected to anybody here. Everyone's just typing their lives away. I wish an opportunity will come up. I really, really want to move on.
I wish you were more human, like the one who left. I tell you my mom just had a hysterectomy and all you can say is ok?
