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I AM HERE NOW.

I've got to keep remembering this.

I feel the world is spinning at warp speed again lately. I haven't been focusing on the "present" as much as I should that's why I've been feeling pressured and stressed again. Maybe my hormones are going crazy or maybe, it's me who's going crazy. I've been really bothered by a couple of things:

- My mom's condition. I try not to worry because it is just a waste of energy, but I can't help it sometimes. I always pray for her and the outcome of the biopsy though. Whatever happens is beyond our control but I really, really hope everything will be fine.

- Babies. Babies are invading my brain! I feel that everyone's getting pregnant except us. But of course that's an exaggeration. Not everyone is pregnant, but a lot of our friends either are pregnant or just had a baby. Yen and Julius. Christine and Marjon. Denice and Mike. On  good days, I think Reden and I are just not ready yet and God is just delaying giving us a child. On bad days, I think something's wrong with us, and on really bad days, I get anxious thinking that maybe we are not cut out to be parents - at all.

I know I shouldn't worry and should get a hold of myself. I'm just feeling pressured to conform to tradition: after marrying, you should have a child. I feel that if we don't, then we're going to  be miserable our whole lives, when that is not actually the case. We've got plenty to do if our marriage doesn't "bear fruit", plus, we could always adopt if we're really up to the challenge of raising a child. Again, I should get a hold of myself. God has plans and I should'nt jump to conclusions. All we can do is what we can do NOW. Beyond that is God's territory.

But!!! I really envy those who are going to be moms, or are moms. Having a child just opens up this other dimension in a couple and introduces them to another version of them, which is being parents. I just think that is awesome and I fervently pray that we get to experience that.

God, kayo na ang bahala.

- My job. Writing marketing copy for our promotions have been enjoyable. Now we're back to writing descriptions for hotels and I'm just B-O-R-E-D. I know it becomes what I think it is so maybe I should just try harder to find something likable (or even lovable) about what I'm doing NOW. However, I should probably keep an eye on opportunities too. What I do everyday just has too big an impact on my disposition so I don't think settling for something I don't have genuine interest in is not the best option. I feel I won't find the job though until I am sure of what I really would love to do on a daily basis for years to come. Or maybe such a job doesn't exist. Maybe we naturally change interests and passions in the course of our lives. Maybe what works now won't necessarily work later and I should cut myself some slack in finding my "life's work."

Whatever. What I am sure of today is that I want to be a mother. Which brings us back to issue number 2. Hayy!

I know, I know. There are things that are bigger than me right now (and always) and I should just focus on what I HAVE instead of what I don't. There are plenty to be thankful for, like:

- My loving and supportive husband, Reden;
- My perfectly functioning body;
- Our capacity to travel (which we probably won't be able to do much of once we have kids);
- My dad who is taking care of my mom

The list could go on. My life isn't really that bad. Actually, it's not bad at all. All is good so I can't understand why the heck I'm ranting about two or three things in my life!

I AM HERE NOW.

ALL IS GOOD.

Gotta remember these more often.