happy new year

So there. Recalling and writing my mom's final days have been a cathartic experience, and one I felt was necessary for me to begin healing. After I've finished the last part, I instantly felt lighter and my mind clearer, free of bits and pieces that I was holding on to. I didn't want to forget the tiny details. I just needed to release them so I can be fully present in my life. After all, it's a new year.

And what's a new year without new goals? Mine are not necessarily new. They're rehashed goals of yesteryears - lose weight, find a job I'll enjoy, be more present, spend more time doing the things that make me happy. And like last year, I'll do my best to stick to these changes beyond March. If I don't, then I'll keep trying. Practice makes perfect, right? 

flashback, the end

We laid mom to rest on Thursday, November 12. 

The wake lasted five days and was attended by her friends from high school, college and former jobs, former officemates, our friends, dad’s friends. Her two sisters, Tita Bebe and Tita Gina and their families were there of course, and their cousins too. Tita Beth, the aunt who raised mom, made it from California, while my dad’s mom and sisters came all the way from Florida to be with us as well. B made it too.

There were tributes and a lot of stories shared, prayers said, flowers given and money donated. Mom touched a lot of lives and that thought alone made me feel okay. Even if she’s still young (49), she lived a full life. She was a fantastic wife, a great mom, a kind sister and a wonderful friend. She travelled, sung songs, read good books and watched awesome movies. Mommy also masterminded the renovation of our home and was able to leave everything (as in every single thing) in order. She took care of our pets, supported us in our endeavours and was just there. Always there.

Although it was very painful, I found it easy to accept mom’s death because I’d rather her be with God than be with us but in so much pain. I miss her all the time but I am thankful that God didn’t let her suffer long. I know she’s happier now. And at peace. She is, after all, in the best place anyone could be.

At first it was difficult to believe that mom was not with us anymore. During the first two weeks, I felt that if I imagine it hard enough, she would walk out of their bedroom, wearing one of her floral dusters, her hair in a lose pony tail. Suddenly I’ll be jolted by the realization that she’s no longer with us. I’ll then find comfort through a prayer and the in the thought that she still exists, only in a different realm.

I now recall this piece I read back when I was a kid:

Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way that you always used. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918)

Canon of St. Paul’s Cathedral

All IS well.

Rest in peace, mommy. We’ll always love you.

*****

Our sincerest gratitude goes to everyone who helped us get through that difficult time:

Tita Menchitt and Tita Nini for assisting us the morning mom passed away;

Canossa batch 76 for being there and for the beautiful tribute;

All our relatives, some of whom flew all the way from another continent;

All our friends and mom's friends who expressed their condolences;

Friends who donated money and gave flowers,

and everyone who was just there with us personally and in prayer.

Thank you so much.

flashback, part IV

We went back to San Pablo from Manila on November 4. We all took care of mom, made sure she took her meds at the right time. She was asleep most of the time, waking up only to eat a little, watch a bit of TV, chat for a short while and take her medicine. She also threw up a lot of liquid, even if she was already taking an anti-emetic.

There were times when she would be irritated if I push her to take three or four pills in successive hours. “Eh oras na eh!” I’d tell her.  I can see from her eyes that she was tired, that she didn’t want to live like this. 

On Friday morning, she complained about feeling cold so I asked Dr. Luna if this was a side effect of the treatment. He called me and told me to take mom to the hospital so the doctors can evaluate. We followed his advice and decided to take mommy to SPCMC. It was very challenging to put her in the pick-up because she couldn’t stand up anymore. She was dizzy and was very pale. For some reason, she asked me to call Tita Gina and tell her to be there at the hospital. I asked her why and she said “basta papuntahin mo.”

It was chaos at the ER. Mom was having tummy and back pains all at once. She didn’t want to take her Oxycontin, didn’t want to be IV-ed and didn’t want to eat. When she was taken into her room, she was hysterical and complaining of pain everywhere! She also had very low blood pressure so they put a nasal cannula on her, which was connected to an oxygen source. The doctor also gave her pain medication through IV but it didn’t have any effect on her. She was restless and was in drama mode. She said it was better to die than to feel that kind of pain, and that we couldn’t understand the pain she was in. 

I was trying to make her eat something and when I raised my voice, she apologized. “Ate, magsosorry ako sa’yo.” That’s what she said. I didn’t know for what but I told her it was okay.

That afternoon, some of her friends from high school (Tita Menchitt, Tita Nanette and Tita Nini) visited her. She wasn't able to speak with them but she did recognize who they were. Nahiya pa because she felt she wasn't presentable. "Nakakahiya naman sa girls," she said.

Mom was maligalig that whole evening and didn’t sleep at all. She kept dad up all night as well so early Saturday morning, dad texted me and asked me to come to the hospital early. I was up by 5am and was at the hospital by 6am.

When I got to mom’s room, I found her hallucinating and saying things like “Daddy bless me.” Later on she began shouting (at the top of her lungs) nonsense (well to us, at least). I remember her saying “misua.” I was scared because I thought something went wrong in her brain and she’ll be like this forever na! 

The doctor came and told us he will refer us to an internist so they can get some blood work done on mom. At around 9am, mom began calming down. I thought she was going to be okay but her breathing didn’t go back to normal. Her blood pressure also remained very low (they constantly checked).

I knew then that it was going to be the day. Lia and I were already crying at that point. I whispered to mom that it’s okay; she can rest now and we’re going to be okay. Then I asked dad, who went home to take a shower, to come back to the hospital soon because mom was getting very weak. When he came back, the resident doctor spoke to him and asked him if we wanted to put mom in the ICU. I told him no because mom was already exhausted. 

Right after we’ve made the decision, mom stopped breathing. The doctor and nurses came in and tried to revive her but to no avail. She was gone, and the ECG confirmed it. There was nothing but a flat line. Mom was gone. It was 10:02 on a glorious Saturday morning in November.

flashback, part III

It was around 2pm when I was finally able to talk to the doctor. He asked about mom’s history and checked the CT scans, the MRI results and the medical reports. When he was done, he said the diagnosis was correct and the only way to treat the disease was through chemotherapy. He explained everything clearly and gave us three drug combinations to choose from and told me that he hoped mom and the family will decided to go with chemo.

I could have broken down right there or when I went out the office or when I walked with Marge back to the LRT station but I was calm. I was sad but really felt strong from there to the entire duration of the bus ride home. On the way, I thought about the best way to break the news.

My siblings plus Tita Gina were with mom when I got back to the hospital. I felt anxious about revealing what the doctor told me but I know I had to get it done. I found it difficult to open my mouth but after I managed to say “Ayun nga. Tama naman ang diagnosis,” everything came out easily. Mom was calm but I could see she was sad and scared, too.

Dad was done with his planning meeting and came back that evening. We all talked and eventually decided to go with chemotherapy. We chose the Cisplatin + Paclitaxel combination.

We couldn’t waste time so I called Dr. Luna that Thursday and told him about our decision. He asked for my mom’s weight, height and age, calculated the dose needed and immediately ordered the drugs. They will be delivered to us directly once mom is admitted at Manila Doctors Hospital. 

If mom was going to have at least six sessions of chemotherapy, then I needed to be there. So that day, I sent an e-mail to my office and filed my resignation. I requested for a waiver notice period, which they granted. 

Mom was fine throughout the day. Kuya Jon and Auntie Myrna even visited her. She told them the truth. I admired her courage. In the late afternoon, however, she complained again about stomach pain. She kicked and banged the wall, screamed and sobbed. She was given medication but it didn’t work immediately.  I couldn’t help but cry myself. I prayed and prayed that the pain subside soon. I think it did, eventually. I can’t remember anymore. 

Upon mom’s discharge from SPCMC that Friday, we went straight to Manila so she can be admitted at Manila Doctors. She wore her brace so she could sit comfortably throughout the 2-hour journey. She was alright for the most part but when we were at Osmeña Highway, she complained of tummy aches again. Fortunately, the traffic wasn’t so bad that day and we soon found ourselves at Manila Doctors.

The nurse took mom to imaging for an x-ray before he led us to our room. Just as we were settling down, B arrived! I was so glad to see him I almost cried when we hugged! His embrace was just what I needed.

The nurses prepped mom for the chemo session. They put her on IV, checked her vitals and did more tests overnight. They gave her various pre-chemo meds too. 

The first session began on Saturday, October 31. It was done by Monday morning but not without several flushes on mom’s IV (which made her grab my hand and squeeze it until it was blue). 

Before we were discharged, the doctors often checked on her vitals. The pain management docs came up with a schedule of taking Oxycontin and Oxynorm so that she won’t feel any kind of discomfort. The goal, they said, is for mom to not feel any pain. Since she was heavily reliant on drugs, she was just asleep most of the time. 

At that point, she couldn’t eat as much as she used to because she was throwing up. She was still constipated, and the edema got worse. The swelling has gone from one leg to both legs and her tummy. And every morning upon waking up, her breasts would be swollen too.

She was cleared for discharge by Tuesday but we didn’t go home until Wednesday. Just before we left, she complained that she finds it hard to swallow. The nurse said it might just be a psychological symptom. 

At that time, it seemed to me that her body was slowly shutting down. I knew she wasn’t going to get well and what we were doing was just managing the disease. But I strived to focus on taking care of her. I just wanted her to be comfortable and if possible, enjoy the remaining days of her life.  

flashback, part II

Mom passed away exactly two months ago.

*****

When Mommy was discharged the following Monday, she still hadn’t made up her mind whether to undergo chemo or not. We took her home and since Daddy needed to attend a very important meeting in Ortigas, I, together with Miko and Paolo, were tasked to take care of her. (Lia was working.)

Mom stayed in my (and Lia’s) room since the cable TV was there. She needed something to keep her busy when she’s awake and when she wakes up in the odd hours of the night. We made sure to follow the prescribed times that she needs to take Oxycontin. The doctor also gave her Oxynorm for breakthrough pain. I gave her sponge baths, changed her clothes, and cooked and fed her healthy food. She was fairly comfortable.

On Tuesday morning, while she was eating breakfast, I told her I would be getting a second opinion from a doctor in Manila. B and Ate Laddie helped me get in touch with Ate Day, Ate’s friend, whose mom underwent chemotherapy for her breast cancer at the PGH. Ate Day’s cousin, a doctor who just underwent training at the PGH, recommended I talk to Dr. Ricky Luna, an OB-Onco. Mom agreed. Dad too. Ate Day set an appointment with the doctor on my behalf.

Mommy then told me what she went through from February, when she was diagnosed, to May, when she had a complete hysterectomy. It was easy to find her records because dad did a fantastic job in filing them neatly. I saw everything there – the medical reports, the films, the receipts, the hospital bills, the insurance claim forms, all from February to May. I felt a bit guilty for not being there with her during those months, but I decided to just focus on the present. I’m not going to let her give up without a fight.

I was about to feed mom her dinner when she complained of extreme stomach pain. I knew it was serious because she couldn’t lie still and was crying. I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital and she said yes.

I called the San Pablo City Medical Center to request for an ambulance but the girl on the end of the line said there wasn’t any driver available. I decided to call my mom’s sister, Tita Gina, and ask for help. They immediately when to our house and helped us get in touch with the city hall’s ambulance, which fortunately was available that evening. After a few minutes we were at the ER. Lia was with us and the boys were left at home, on standby in case I’d need someone to pick me up.

To help ease mom’s pain, the doctor ordered the nurse to push medication through her IV. The first drug didn’t agree with mom. She said she felt hot outside but cold inside. The stomach pain didn’t go away too. She felt very uneasy and was unable to calm down. After a few hours, the doctor decided to push another medication through her IV. It worked somehow because she was finally able to sleep. It was past midnight. Tita Gina stayed with us through the night. She watched over mom and let me sleep because I had to go to Manila the following day.

Mom felt better when we woke up Wednesday morning. I went back home to have breakfast and get ready so I can be on my way. I prepared her records, stopped by the hospital and hopped on a bus to Manila. Lia went on leave watched over mom with the boys while I was gone. Tita Gina needed to go to work.

Marge met me for lunch and accompanied me to Dr. Ricky Luna’s clinic at Padre Faura. I needed her to navigate and to be my friend. I needed all the positive energy I can get.