isdatchu mother?

I was cooking at the kitchen this morning when one of Ziv's toys suddenly played music by itself. Ziv was napping and no one else was around. I thought nothing of it and just turned the thing off. This wasn't the first time something like that happened and we usually just attribute it to vibrations caused by the TV.

Thing is, this morning, the TV wasn't turned on.

I easily get spooked (that's why I don't like watching horror films) but today I thought maybe it was mommy, dropping by for a visit. I normally wouldn't think things like that but I've been missing my mom more nowadays.

I've been craving for her presence recently. Not in the ghostly kind of way but her physical presence. I miss having her in my life. I miss our conversations. And I guess now that parenting has become more challenging, with Ziv soon to be a full-fledged toddler, I find myself wishing I could ask her for advice, like what's the best bedtime or how do I get Ziv to eat a bit more. Sometimes I just wish she were here to tell me I'm doing alright. That I'm doing a decent job in raising my son. 

Me and mommy having one of our "wala lang" conversations (Pagudpud, April 2009)

I get reassurance from my husband, but I often wish I could get reassurance from my mother too. Reassurance coming from someone who has done it (mothering) before, and has done it well, will definitely boost my confidence a thousandfold.

There are still days when I wonder why she had to leave us so soon. I sometimes still feel sad that mommy isn't able to be with me on this parenting journey, and I sometimes still wonder what kind of grandma she could've been. I think she could've been wonderful.

And I bet she wouldn't have allowed us to call her "lola."