confession

I should remember this

I have a confession to make: I'm an insecure b*tch.

Or at least an insecure b*tch lives inside me. I have once silenced her but since I've started job hunting again, she's come back. And with a vengeance.

Let's call her Tibby.

I don't know where she came from. My parents loved me. I have friends. There's a handful of people who believe in my abilities (and a handful is okay). Having ruled out external sources, I think it's safe to say that she came from my mind. Tibby has sprung from my ego.

I know I do well, sometimes even exceptionally so, and I have been recognized for them. But I guess no matter how much praise you receive, if you don't believe in yourself, nothing anybody says will matter. To you, you are still that little girl, sitting in the corner, never good enough, not worthy of succeeding.

As much as I have my shining, I'm-evolved, I-love-myself moments, I have these dark and harsh and full of self-loathing moments too. Usually these are triggered by instances when I'm compared with others and I feel I have to prove myself better than them.

I guess that's what I don't like about looking for a job--how it makes me feel like I'm not good enough to do something. But I know it's not the job hunting per se, it's me and how I view the process. I understand that companies need to hire who they think fits best to a specific role. It's not their fault I feel this way.

I grapple with her. Tibby. I grapple with her constantly. But I guess grappling is not the right way of dealing with her. Maybe I should embrace her. Accept her. Learn why she's here. Maybe if I love her enough, she'll begin to work with me and we can move on.

I know getting to that place would take a lot of time and a lot of work. In the meantime, I hope I can get Tibby to stop nagging me with negative, action stopping comments and just sit quietly with me for a while.