have baby, will travel: follow up

We’re here in the Philippines!  Our flight went well. We arrived in one, er, two pieces. Wishing it could’ve been smoother might be asking too much for a 5-month old infant. I’m just thankful that neither of us was scarred for life by the experience.

Me and Ziv during those few minutes he was willing to sit still

The day began early for us. Mine started at 2:30AM. I pumped and did some last-minute packing. Ziv woke up at 3:30. I thought he wanted to eat but turned out he didn’t. Maybe he sensed my energy and felt something was going on. I woke Reden up at 3:40 and we were off by 4AM.

Check-in was smooth. Our baggage was overweight by 1.3 kilos but they didn’t charge us for it. We managed to have breakfast with Dada before heading to immigration. Ziv was in a good mood.

Until we got to our gate.

It was almost 6AM at that point and Ziv still hasn’t taken his milk. I was relieved because I was sure he would accept his bottle during takeoff.  However, soon after we got to the gate, he began fussing. I knew then he was sleepy and hungry and I needed to feed him. I stalled until we boarded the plane and got to our seat and once we did, he began to cry! I gave in and just prayed he’ll fall asleep so he won’t be bothered by pressure in his ear. He finished the bottle and then fell asleep before we took off.  Luckily, he stayed asleep even while the plane was ascending. There was no ear pain, thank God.

After half an hour, Ziv woke up and the fussing began again. I knew it was because he didn’t get quality sleep and the only way to cope with it was to entertain him. I pulled out his toys, one after the other, but he got bored of them quickly. For a short while he was distracted by the stewardesses and their cart but after they passed our row, the fussiness resumed. I knew I needed to walk or stand up and rock him. I decided to walk towards the front row because there was a lot of space there and then swayed and rocked him.

Ziv got distracted by everything he saw from there. He was bright-eyed while looking at the nifty control panel, and smiled at passengers going to the toilet. One of them scared him though and he cried for a while. One of the stewardesses took him from me for a while and played with him too.We also walked towards the other end of the aisle para maiba naman.

At one point he fell asleep again. I took that opportunity to eat my peanut butter and mango jelly sandwich and drink some water. He was still asleep after I finished so I thought I’d nap too. He woke up a few minutes after I closed my eyes though so no nap for me. We then repeated what we did: walked to the front row, walked up and down the aisle, swayed and rocked. He was really fussy and refused to sit still throughout the flight.

Fortunately, he got hungry when the plane started its descent. I fed him and we escaped major ear pain and headache again! Thank God!

We landed and I Snguli-d him, walked through immigration without any irritating questioning and got our checked in luggage and stroller. Buti na lang, an airport employee helped us take our luggage off the belt. An over eager porter also helped us bring all our stuff to the parking lot, where Daddy and Paolo were already waiting. Once we got everything loaded in the pick-up, we made our way to San Pablo.

We stopped for lunch at Yellow Cab and had pizza and pasta for lunch. The three boys started bonding immediately.

Left: With Lolo and Tito Paolo; Right: Ziv getting to know Tito Paolo again :)

I think Ziv has already adjusted to his temporary home. He’s sleeping well in his crib and yes, on his own. We’re doing our routine so I think that helped. I’ve also adjusted. Already brought everything we need during our stay. We’re looking forward to spending time with family and friends here. We miss Dada though. Can’t wait to see and be with him again!

BTW, remember the diaper bag I obsessively filled with things we might need? Only used the toys and the milk bottles. Nothing else.

have baby, will travel

Ziv and I are leaving for the Philippines tomorrow!

I'm anxious and excited to be traveling with an infant for the first time. I'll be sure to feed him, forcibly if need be, during takeoff and landing so his little ears won't hurt. I can't imagine how I'd handle a wailing baby in a plane! I pray God will send us nice, understanding and kind co-passengers who wouldn't shoot me dagger looks when Ziv becomes inconsolable. But I pray that Ziv will be as portable as he always is.

I'm taking the Snugli with me so I'll have my hands free, and the Diaper Dude which has all of the essentials. Let me show you what's in the diaper bag:

I'm bringing two large disposable changing mats, which I cut in half so I effectively have four of them. In the Ziplocs are extra clothes for Ziv and me, bibs, socks, burp clothes and blankies, and of course, diapers and wipes.

I'm also bringing Ziv's favorite toys so he'll have something to gnaw on during the flight. I packed a pair of pacifiers, too, just in case. He didn't develop a fondness for them but who knows when we're up in the air? I also have hand and mouth wipes, toy wipes, tissue and hand sanitizer. Gotta be prepared to tackle dirt!

I still have a lot to pack--milk bottles, my pump, milk for the flight, pump accessories, milk bags, my camera. All these but my luggage is already almost full! I hope I'll be able to bring everything we need and could possibly need.

I wish Reden were travelling with us. Having someone to hand Ziv to when I need to go pee or when Ziv starts wailing mid-flight sure is handy.

enjoying motherhood

Right after Ziv was born, I was scared of him! I didn’t want to be left alone with him at home because I thought I didn’t know what to do. I always felt I needed adult supervision! But now that I’ve been doing this mothering gig for a while, my confidence has gone up significantly.

Seeing Ziv thrive made me realize even though I’m a novice, I’m very much capable of being a parent. I’ve gotten to know my son and can anticipate his needs. I’m already familiar with his cues and can respond appropriately.

Reading books—on establishing schedules and routines, feeding, sleep and child development—also helps. The more I learn, the more I know what I’m supposed to do. Sometimes, though, reading too much leads to information overload and thus, major motherly confusion. Experts say different and sometimes contradictory statements making it even more difficult to decide what to do.

When I start to feel I’m losing a grip, I turn to every mother’s best friend: instinct. I just do what feels right, keeping in mind (and heart) my son’s best interest. I believe nature equips us with the tools we need to figure things out, whether it be picking a career or raising a child.

Focusing on the present also helped me cope. In the beginning, I used to be overwhelmed by everything that needed to be done—feeding, pumping, bathing, laundry, sleeping etc.—I felt I couldn’t make it another day. But I’ve learned that parenting, like any other thing in life, should be taken one moment at a time. That’s the only way I can do anything, by riding the wave. I let one wave take me to another and another and another.

Yes, I am still sleep deprived. I have really dark eye bags and my hair is falling like crazy. But I’m really enjoying motherhood now. It just feels so right.

baby gear I can't stay sane without

Reden and I live on our own here in Singapore and we’re raising Ziv without help. During weekdays, it’s just me at home and I must admit, sometimes I wish there were someone to take care of Ziv while I pee or take a bath or eat. If we were in the Philippines, I can just hand Ziv over to one of my siblings or my Dad while I do my business, but this is our reality.

In order to survive the daily baby caring grind, we (mainly I) have to rely on certain baby gear. When you don't have enough hands, you compensate with inanimate substitute caregivers. Here are our daily helpers at home:

Bumbo Baby Seat - Ziv can hold his head up but still can't sit unassisted so the Bumbo seat is perfect for him! We love this because it allows Ziv to sit with us at the dining table so Reden and I can eat together. When I need to do some chores at the kitchen or use the toilet, the Bumbo lets me keep Ziv close by.

Fisher Price Baby Papasan - This is a hand-me-down from my aunt and it was very useful before I sleep-trained Ziv. During that time, he wouldn't nap anywhere but his Papasan. This infant seat vibrates and plays lullabies.

Mamalove Swing - Like the Papasan, we used this for naps back when Ziv resisted the crib. This one has a remote control and plays lullabies too! Now, we use this for soothing him before baths or before naps.

 

Other baby gear we love are the Evenflo Snugli Comfort Vent Carrier, the Babysafe Sling and the Combi Urban Walker. We mainly use these when we go out, but sometimes they get handy at home too.

When Ziv was smaller, I used the sling but now that he's grown, we use the Snugli more often. I love it because it allows my hands to be free and is perfect when I can't lug the stroller around. I've taken Ziv to the library and the supermarket while he was in it and he loves it because he gets a totally new point of view. He's also happier when he's Snugli-d because he's close to mom (or dad!). 

We take the stroller for long walks around the block or for malling. At home, it has saved me many a nap time. A few weeks back, motion was the only thing that can make Ziv nap so when I got tired from rocking him and walking around the house, I just put him in his stroller and almost instantly he'll doze off. 

Aside from these gear, another thing that has helped me keep my sanity is the Baby ESP Android app. It helps me keep track of Ziv's feedings, pee and poop, sleep and wake times and my pumping sessions. I can also log play times, bath times, spit ups as well as Ziv's height and weight. This app is heaven-sent to OC, sleep-deprived, confused moms like me! 

When you're a first-time parent, it’s tempting to get all the gear designed and marketed to make parenting easier. However, we can't do that because these items do not come cheap and in our case, there isn’t enough space in our two-bedroom flat.

Hmmm, but then again, maybe we can make room for this highchair or this jogging stroller.

;)
 

while you were sleep training

Dear son,

You're sound asleep as I write this. I'm sorry if I had to let you cry it out for 20 minutes. You needed to sleep and you need to learn how to put yourself to sleep. I know you don't like being left in a dark room to sleep. It's boring and you'd rather be awake and play with mommy. But your body needs sleep so it can grow. Sleep is good for you!

When I came in to check up on you, believe me, I wanted so badly to rock you so that you would stop crying. It's less torturous to let you fall asleep in my arms than listening to you wail your heart out. Believe me, my heart melted when I looked into your eyes and you gave me a smile that seemed to say "all is right again." I almost cried.

But I don't want to undermine our efforts. Not when I can see you're learning. We can do this. You can learn to fall asleep on your own for naps, just like how you did for bedtime at night. 

Crying it out is so un-attachment parenting but after seeing how Kuya Jake has become such a great napper at age three, I couldn't think of any bad reason not to try that approach. Kuya Jake's alright. He's such a bright boy!

I hope you'll read this when you grow up. And I hope by then you're not suffering from any sleep problems or trying to figure out an underlying psychological trauma (caused by crying it out).

I love you! Sleep tight anak! Sweet dreams!

Love,

Mommy

turning 30

I turned 30 last Sunday. I didn't expect it to be uneventful. Even more unexpected was me being okay with it being such a normal day. I've always loved celebrating birthdays with family and friends, and I remember, Reden and I talked about having a big bash when we turn 30. But that was preparenthood. I guess being a mom has changed me and my priorities a lot.

We were supposed to attend mass then go downtown to stuff our faces with Japanese food at Todai but it rained here in Ang Mo Kio so we decided to stay in. Besides, I was recovering from a painful breast infection and had a cold. I didn't want to get wet and give myself a full-blown flu. I also didn't want Ziv to get wet nor subject him to another day of sucky naps, having already spent the previous day at the mall. He gets so grumpy when he's overtired. But since we were all dressed up, we took some pictures to remember this milestone birthday by.

My life is complete :)

 After we changed back into our pambahays, I fed Ziv then put him down for a nap. Reden took a nap too and while they were both in slumberland, I decided to tackle the dirty clothes. I loaded a batch on the machine and while that was running, I pumped. When it was time for lunch, I just went online and ordered pasta and pizza from Pizza Hut. I was craving for cheesy lasagna!

In the afternoon, I swept and mopped the floor and vacuumed the carpet while Ziv slept. I thought I wanted to continue my shopping spree (my generous husband's birthday gift) at 313@Somerset. We waited for Ziv to wake up but when he did, it was too late so we just went to the nearby AMK Hub and did some grocery shopping. Reden also bought a cake for me and Ziv, who turned five months that day.

I turned 30 and Ziv turned 5 months!

For dinner, we just had barbecue ribs from one of the food stands at the supermarket. I was surprised it tasted alright. 

And that was how the day I turned 30 went. Just like any other day except there was cake. :)

pumpin' pumpin'

August 1 to 7 is World Breastfeeding Week. Please spread the word: breast milk is best for babies.

I would've breastfed if I could, but since I couldn't and didn't, I pumped, which I think is the next best thing. Here is my story.

----

I am attached to my pump. Literally.

I've been pumping milk for Ziv for four months now and I've gotten used to balancing the bottles on my thighs so I can type with both hands. Sometimes, I hold a book instead. Pumping was far from my mind when I was still pregnant. I didn't even put "breast pump" in my things-to-buy-before-baby-arrives list. My mind was just set on breastfeeding Ziv. But that, like many other things I wanted to do when I give birth, didn't go as planned.

The first time they brought Ziv to our room, I tried to latch him on my boobs. The poor guy couldn't do it because one, he could barely stay awake, and two, his mouth was way tiny. If you've read this, then you'd know by now that although Ziv was born full term, he was almost a preemie in size.

After our first attempt at breastfeeding. We failed but I was happy I got Ziv in my arms. :)

I didn't feel bad at our failed first attempt at breastfeeding because after reading a bunch of resource materials on the topic, I knew that although it's natural, breastfeeding was a learned skill. It required practice. However, since his blood sugar was going down, we had to feed Ziv formula as the doctor recommended. The nurses did it using a syringe to avoid nipple confusion. I was glad they didn’t give him a bottle because I was hopeful Ziv will be able to latch on.

During our three-day stay at the hospital, I made it a point to put Ziv on my breast so he can try latching on. We tried again and again and again but we weren't getting anywhere close to a decent latch. 

We consulted a lactation specialist but unfortunately, she wasn't very helpful. Each time she went in our room, she just yammered on about random topics. I didn't understand half of what she was saying. The only useful pointer I got from her was to massage my breasts, which at that time were already so engorged. She didn't even tell me to use the pump to establish my supply or to hand express my colostrum so I can feed it to Ziv.

The nurses were helpful though. They suggested I use nipple shields. Since it sort of extended my nipple, Ziv might be able to take it into his mouth. I tried using it a couple of times and it did help Ziv latch on, but I don’t think Ziv got much milk since he was only sucking my nipple and not my areola.

When we went home, I continued using the shields but since I wasn't sure if Ziv was getting enough milk, we continued supplementing with formula. I was hopeful Ziv would learn to latch on properly and feed efficiently, but I needed a pump to get my supply going. 

Reden bought me a Medela Mini Electric Pump because I thought that would be good enough. I didn't even bother doing some research before allowing him to make that purchase. I used the pump anyway and was able to yield 10 to 20ml each session. We fed all of it to Ziv then topped up with formula. 

We went to see Ziv's pedia on the fifth day after he was born and he asked if Ziv was breastfeeding. I told the doctor that Ziv was having difficulty latching on. Our pedia was pro-breastfeeding so he referred us to a lactation specialist for a consult. I prayed hard that it would be a different specialist, not the one assigned to us during our hospital stay.

Fortunately, it was a different lactation consultant. She checked me first before trying to make Ziv latch on. She massaged my breasts vigorously to get the milk to flow freely and then compressed them to get the milk out. It was so painful my toes curled! But I knew I had to do it so I can increase my milk supply. Once she was done massaging my breasts, she let Ziv latch on. Since my breasts weren't engorged anymore, he might be able to do it. Unfortunately, Ziv could only take my nipple in his mouth and after three sucks, he would fall asleep! We ended up using the nipple shields again.

It was difficult trying to teach Ziv to latch on because he was always very sleepy. And when he was hungry, he'd be in such a bad mood if I tried putting him on my breast. The situation was so stressful and didn’t help that my hormones were all over the place. I felt really sad because it seemed to me that my failure to breastfeed made me an inadequate mother. 

After a few days, once my closest friends, mothers and non-mothers alike have knocked some sense into my head, and maybe once my hormones settled, I was able to come to terms with our failed attempts at breastfeeding. I realized that Ziv needed me more than he needed to be breastfed. Having a sane, caring, present mother would benefit him more than breast milk or feeding at the breast. 

However, I believed that breast milk is best for babies so I made a commitment to pump for at least six months. I will then re-evaluate the situation once I reach that initial goal.

I knew that if I were to be successful in pumping my milk for the long term, I needed to do my homework. So I scoured the Internet and was relieved to have found helpful information from forums and websites dedicated to moms who need/choose to pump exclusively. It was also comforting to know that I wasn’t alone. There were a lot of mothers who’ve gone through what I am going through. Reading about women who were able to successfully pump for up to a year was also reassuring. If they were able to do it, then I had a chance to do it too.

The first two pumps I used, the Avent Isis Manual and Medela Mini Electric

One factor that may determine my success at pumping was the equipment I used. I only used the Medela Mini Electric for a few days because it hurt! I didn't have the correct flange size, and, since the suction wasn't strong enough, it couldn't empty my breasts efficiently to relieve the engorgement. I then tried using the Avent Isis Manual Breast Pump, which a friend lent to me. It was more comfortable and I was able to increase my output with it. The Isis Manual was the pump that helped me establish my supply during the first month. However, in April, when it was clear I needed a more efficient, daily-use double pump, I decided to invest in a Medela Pump In Style Advanced. 

I tried to follow the recommended pumping schedule, which was to pump for at least 20 minutes every two to three hours. It was challenging to adhere to it because I needed to take care of Ziv and sometimes I was so tired I just wanted to rest. Needing to pump also meant I couldn’t sleep when Ziv slept. I managed to keep going thanks to my mother-in-law and husband, who helped with the baby-caring duties. I also keep in mind the reason I was doing this, which was the health benefits of feeding breast milk to Ziv.

Since my mother-in-law left, it has become more difficult to get in the required pumps per day. From six to seven times a day, I only manage to pump four times. I was worried that it may affect my output, but thankfully, I’m still able to pump more than Ziv needs. I also dropped the middle of the night pump since Ziv has begun sleeping through the night. That means more rest for me!

I thank God that my efforts have paid off. At first, long term pumping seemed impossible, but here I am at month four (going five). My average daily output is at 700ml or around 24oz. I also have a freezer stash, which I have yet to rotate. I am thankful I was able to donate my May and June stock to another new mom, who like me, is also having latch-on problems. 

Although we still have a can of formula, for weekend outings and just in case I suddenly have problems with my supply or if I get sick, we don’t need to top up Ziv’s feedings. I pump more than enough for him and I hope it continues to be this way until I reach my goal. Then we’ll see if I go on to month seven or eight or maybe even 12.

Not being able to breastfeed was disappointing but pumping milk for Ziv empowered me and made me feel more capable as a mother. Now Ziv not only gets the mother he needs, but the best nourishment too.

Clockwise from top left: My Medela Pump in Style Advanced; bottles with breast milk; my freezer stash; freshly pumped milk; bags of breast milk ready to go in the fridge

----

Breastfeeding and pumping resources:
iVillage Exclusively Pumping Forum
Exclusively Pumping
Exclusively Pumping Breast Milk: A Guide to Providing Expressed Breast Milk for Your Baby by Stephanie Casemore
Kellymom
Low Milk Supply

Special thanks to my dear friend, George, who encouraged me and provided me with lots of information about breast milk. <3