week 34

Dear son,


Here we are. Our 34th week. Three more weeks to go and we're full term!


I thank God we lasted this long without any spotting or bleeding; that you've been kicking my insides like crazy; that I seem to have my blood pressure under control. 


We went to the doctor last Saturday and we're glad we saw you and heard your heart beat. Everything was fine except that you're tummy's small for your age. Information like that always gets me on edge and even if I know I can't do anything about it, I couldn't help blaming myself for not having the ideal body for you to develop and grow. I felt sad and scared. I started worrying and imagining the worst case scenario. What if my blood pressure shoots up? What if I have preeclampsia? What if we needed to deliver you early? What if we need to leave you in the NICU? What if you can't feed from my breasts? The what-ifs go on and on and on.


I was really disappointed in myself and went as far as thinking that maybe if your dad and I just waited for the pregnancy to happen without any pharmaceutical intervention, everything would've been alright. I felt we made a mistake in seeking help. I felt guilty for taking my fertility under control and having you suffer the consequences. Maybe my body wasn't ready yet and now you're the one who has to pay the price.


With lots of prayers and reflection though, I realized I shouldn't see the past as a mistake because that's what brought you to us in the first place. You are God's gift to us and I couldn't treat the decisions we made that led to your coming into our lives as mistakes. I remember the lesson I heard in one of Oprah Winfrey's webcasts on spirituality: harvest the good, accept, forgive. And so I try my best to do those, son, to harvest the good from the past, accept what we have and where we are now, and forgive myself. 


Your dad said that maybe we're going through this because God wanted to be sure we're ready for parenthood. After all, being a parent involves wanting the best for your child and being prepared to do whatever it takes to give him just that.


Now I am just focusing on the present because that is the only thing that is real. You are here right this very minute, giving me reassuring wiggles. I thank God for every moment that we're together. I entrust you to Him, son. I know He has great, wonderful plans for you.


Love,
Mom