Envious of: Louie

Me and Louie, GS Christmas Party c. 2004 or 2005

What's enviable: Louie dared to grow up. She left the comforts of home (Pinas) and flew to China where she bravely faced the challenges of living on her own, getting to know herself better in the process.

When did you decide to take the plunge and move overseas?
I think I was in my mid 20s when I decided I wanted to live elsewhere. At that time, many of my friends had moved to other countries and were telling me about their experiences: living alone, fending for themselves, meeting interesting people, making new friends, becoming people who were so different from who they were before they left. I envied them. J

What motivated you to do it?
I wanted to broaden my horizons. I love the Philippines and it will always be my home, but I needed to discover what I was made of and I felt that the only way I could do that was to live abroad. My surroundings started to seem narrow and small. So much was happening in the world and I felt I was missing out. I wouldn't say it was solely because of money but it certainly played a role in my decision. I wanted to travel and I thought that living paycheck-to-paycheck on a Manila salary would make that goal more difficult to attain. It can be done, though, as proven by some of my Manila-based friends who travel a lot. I would say my decision was based mostly on the need to explore and grow wings.

What challenges did you face in China? How did you cope?
Challenges! Do you have enough space in your blog for the answers? Haha! The most difficult one, I think, would be homesickness. I missed home terribly. I missed my family and friends, local food, home-cooked meals… Another challenge was the language barrier. When I moved to Shenzhen, I didn't speak a lick of Chinese. On my first few weeks there, I relied on sign language to communicate. I had to guess what locals were trying to tell me. I'd take out a small piece of paper and draw. Whenever an appliance broke down, I had to call my Chinese-speaking friends for help all the time. I had to grit my teeth and bear it in silence when all I wanted to do was shout invectives at my upstairs neighbors, who figured in heated and frequent after-midnight screaming matches that lasted for hours. I laugh about it now that I'm in Hong Kong and life is much easier, but all of this used to make me cry!

Did you ever have doubts about yourself and your decision?
Oh, yes. I often berated myself for leaving my comfortable existence in the Philippines. There were times when I thought moving there was the stupidest thing I've ever done. I doubted my own strength. I would send long e-mails to friends whining about the strange, silly and unpleasant things I had encountered. There was so much about the place that I did not understand (still don't) but I realized that it was all part of the learning process. Moving to Shenzhen remains the most rewarding experience of my life, so far. Of all the things I did, it changed me the most.

What is the best thing you've discovered about yourself?
I discovered that I have the internal resources to get through the toughest of times. And that I can cook! Not very well like my lola, who's fantastic in the kitchen, but I can stir in together a bunch of stuff and make something edible, with the help of a cookbook.

And the worst?
I learned that I can be really hard on myself. I judge myself too quickly and savagely. I should be kinder to Louie. She's a good person.

If you could go back and change one thing, would you? If so, what would that be?
I would have wanted to have more fun. Half the time I was moping and thinking about what to do and where to go next. It would have been great if I had just stayed in the moment and simply enjoyed the China experience.  

Did you find what you were looking for or is the search still on?
The search never stops. But I think I'm starting to enjoy the trip instead of stressing about the fastest way to get to the destination. I'm slowly and painstakingly learning to live in the moment.