home alone

It feels weird to be alone in our home in San Pablo. Since I moved to Singapore, each time I came back here for a holiday someone would always be here with me. That's usually my mom, and we'll be talking and watching TV, eating then watching TV, surfing the net then watching TV, and sometimes, napping together. 

Now she's not here. She's at the hospital, being fed intravenously because either she's in too much pain she can't eat or the medicines she's taking are making her lose her appetite. Whatever the reason behind that, I know that the dextrose would be good for her.

When I arrived yesterday, I couldn't see the mother I knew. She was frail and without energy, could barely stand and walk. Her white hair was showing and her nails are in need of a manicure and pedicure. I think this is the first time I've seen her like this. She's always made up and perky and funny. It's painful to see her hurting and losing her spirit.

I cried myself to sleep last night but without praying/begging God to help my mom first. I know for sure that this will be over soon and she'll get well, but she needs strength and patience. We, her caregivers, need strength and patience. 

We are lucky our dad's around and is being my mom's primary caregiver. I know he's stressed but he's trying to stay calm and to focus on the task at hand, which is to get my mom better. I know he wants so much to take the pain away from my mom and for things to go back to the way they were. I know he's tired, and I when I saw how he loses sleep while taking care of mom, I began worrying about his health too. I pray God will bless him with strength physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

The boys and Lia seem to be taking the situation well, but I know they have their worries too. We can't expect them to drop everything naman because they're young. But I'm glad they're doing their bit to make life easier for dad and mom.

I'm not scared. I'm just sad. Being alone at home makes me want to breakdown and cry. Although I want my husband to be with me now, I know it would be unfair for me to expect nor request that from him. We have a life there and someone's gotta continue living it. I know I have to be strong for my and my family's sake. 

I'm trying my very best to stay in the moment and to keep the faith, to continue believing that soon, my mom will be well. I just need to do what I can and contribute what I can so that someday, when all this is over, I can look back and be able to say, I did my part.