week 34

Dear son,


Here we are. Our 34th week. Three more weeks to go and we're full term!


I thank God we lasted this long without any spotting or bleeding; that you've been kicking my insides like crazy; that I seem to have my blood pressure under control. 


We went to the doctor last Saturday and we're glad we saw you and heard your heart beat. Everything was fine except that you're tummy's small for your age. Information like that always gets me on edge and even if I know I can't do anything about it, I couldn't help blaming myself for not having the ideal body for you to develop and grow. I felt sad and scared. I started worrying and imagining the worst case scenario. What if my blood pressure shoots up? What if I have preeclampsia? What if we needed to deliver you early? What if we need to leave you in the NICU? What if you can't feed from my breasts? The what-ifs go on and on and on.


I was really disappointed in myself and went as far as thinking that maybe if your dad and I just waited for the pregnancy to happen without any pharmaceutical intervention, everything would've been alright. I felt we made a mistake in seeking help. I felt guilty for taking my fertility under control and having you suffer the consequences. Maybe my body wasn't ready yet and now you're the one who has to pay the price.


With lots of prayers and reflection though, I realized I shouldn't see the past as a mistake because that's what brought you to us in the first place. You are God's gift to us and I couldn't treat the decisions we made that led to your coming into our lives as mistakes. I remember the lesson I heard in one of Oprah Winfrey's webcasts on spirituality: harvest the good, accept, forgive. And so I try my best to do those, son, to harvest the good from the past, accept what we have and where we are now, and forgive myself. 


Your dad said that maybe we're going through this because God wanted to be sure we're ready for parenthood. After all, being a parent involves wanting the best for your child and being prepared to do whatever it takes to give him just that.


Now I am just focusing on the present because that is the only thing that is real. You are here right this very minute, giving me reassuring wiggles. I thank God for every moment that we're together. I entrust you to Him, son. I know He has great, wonderful plans for you.


Love,
Mom 

missing mommy

I tried singing to my baby today and was so happy to see he was responding to my much-to-be-desired voice. Haha. I first sang Rock a Bye Baby, which I later realized to be so morbid (when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall and down will come baby, cradle and all) and then Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. I wanted to expand my repertoire so I searched for an mp3 copy of Sa Ugoy ng Duyan, a Filipino classic by Lucio San Pedro and Levi Celerio. I found Aiza Seguerra's version of the song:





Free MP3 Downloads at MP3-Codes.com
I also looked for lyrics so I could sing while listening via earphones, but once I started reading the lyrics, my eyes welled up and tears started falling uncontrollably on my cheeks! 
Sana’y di nagmaliw ang dati kong arawNang munti pang bata sa piling ni nanayNais kong maulit ang awit ni inang mahalAwit ng pag-ibig habang ako’y nasa duyan
Sa aking pagtulog na labis ang himbingAng bantay ko’y tala, ang tanod ko’y bituinSa piling ni nanay, langit ay buhayPuso kong may dusa sabik sa ugoy ng duyan
Nais kong matulog sa dating duyan ko, inayOh! inay

I missed mommy!


Since I got pregnant, I've been wishing mommy were here to share this wonderful experience with me. I hoped she were here to share her experience and knowledge in raising kids, and to assure me that everything will be alright, especially now that I've been having health issues. Although I know she's always around, I'm still longing for her presence.



Nevertheless, I have memories. Lots of them. I have memories of her being a wonderful mother and I'll always keep them in my heart.

a weird dream and an ER trip

We're on our 33rd week already! Just four more weeks to go and our baby's full term! We're so excited! 


I'm so looking forward to it that last night I dreamed I was taking care of him, changing his diapers and feeding him. I put him to sleep and then forgot about him! My mother was there, and asked me "bakit hindi mo alam???" Then when I went to check up on my sleeping baby, he was already crying and his diaper was wet and he was alive, but choking on a pacifier. Such a crazy dream. I know I wouldn't forget about my baby!


Everything pregnancy-related has been generally smooth in the past seven months but when I hit my 32nd week, I had my check up and the doctor said I had high blood pressure. She ordered a blood test and then I was asked to come back three days later. Still had high blood pressure and higher than usual uric acid in my blood. So, she ordered another blood test, told me to measure my BP at home after waking up and before going to sleep, and prescribed me Adalat, which will relax my blood vessels and lower my BP. She told me to call her when my diastolic pressure went beyond 90mmHg.


I was expecting the worst to happen so that evening, it did. My blood pressure hit 160/110 and Reden had to rush me to the ER, upon my doctor's order. We went to Gleneagles Hospital and the ER doctor had me lie down on the observation bay for two hours. She gave me a pill which I had to put under my tongue, and after one and a half hours of grogginess, I was fine and sent home.


Since then, Reden has been checking my BP every morning and evening and thank God, it has always been on the normal range. We're going to the doctor again this Saturday and I hope it won't spike!