me and my stupid mouth

It's hard to see everything you've worked for crumble just because of one mistake.

Minsan kasi ang bilis ng bibig ko eh. Mas mabilis kesa sa utak. Kaya di ko naiisip kung anong repercussions ng mga sasabihin ko. Words nga pala are powerful, and once they're out there, you can never take them back.

Ang masakit nito ay kahit anong pageexplain ang gawin mo, walang difference kung nakapagdecide na yung other party about the meaning of what you said. And hindi mo naman sila mablame dahil may point naman sila. So kung sumama loob nila sa'yo, sorry ka na lang. Tanggapin mo na lang siguro kung anong ihahatol nila sa'yo. Umiyak ka na lang siguro kung masaktan ka.

******

Sorry. Alam ko aalis ka na pero binibigyan pa kita ng sama ng loob at dagdag na stress. Sorry talaga. Sana mapatawad mo pa ako.

I love you.

up and running

Thank God, the biopsy result turned out negative. Makakatulog na ako ng mahimbing at makakangiti ng genuine na ngiti.

Salamat talaga at wala na akong dapat ipagalala. Turned out na over yung pagkabasa nung U/S kasi wala naman daw calcifications sabi ng surgeon. Well, at least wala na akong inaalala. Hindi ko naman pinagsisisihan na nagpaopera ako. Hindi na naman siya masakit ngayon.

Dumerecho ako sa EDSA shrine kahapon para magpasalamat. Nabunutan talaga ako ng tinik nung kinonfirm ni doc na benign at fatty tissue lang ang lump na yun.

Isa pang rason para magdiwang ay ang APE results ko. Normal naman lahat except that I'm anemic and overweight and that I need to quit smoking. Natuwa ako sa x-ray ko kasi clear lungs! May pag-asa pa akong mag-quit. =)

Salamat sa lahat ng nagdasal para sa akin at sa lahat ng nagtext, tumawag, nagemail at nagcomment sa blog ko na nagpalakas sa aking loob. Mwah mwah!

kabuwanan

Kabuwanan na namin ngayon. Nine months na kami. We're ready to face the real world.

Parang isang baby na siyam na buwan munang namalagi sa sinapupunan ng kanyang ina, gayundin ang aming relasyon. Marami kaming napagdaanan sa loob ng siyam na buwang lumipas at nagsilbi itong paghahanda sa napipinto naming paghihiwalay.

Ika nga ni Ai-Ai de las Alas, "Thiz iz it. Thiz iz really iz it." Ito na, totoo na ito. Wala nang atrasan.

Isa itong panibagong yugto para sa amin ni Reden at sigurado naman ako na gaya noon, makakadjust din kami.

******

Happy 9th monthsary B! Mahal kita. Mwah!

le opera

I underwent an excisional removal of breast mass yesterday and I'm glad the hard part's over. At least kampante na ako na wala na yung bukol sa katawan ko, anuman yun. The surgeon was positive that it was benign. But biopsy results will come out on Monday. Tagal na paghihintay!

Ganon pala pag inooperahan. Local anesthesia lang so gising ako the whole time. Ang last thing na nafeel ko before the operation was yung pagtusok ng needle for the anesthetic. Immediately after, the surgeon and his assistants started to cut and slice and tug. Nafeel ko yun pero walang pain.

Before the operation sobrang tensed ako tsaka si B. Tumaas nga blood pressure ni B to 160 dahil sa kaba. During the operation, kalmado naman ako. I guess nakatulong na palabiro si doc and they were talking to me. Parang wala lang, kinakalikot lang namin boobs mo. Hehe. Masaya sila while doing it. Well, in a professional way of course. Di naman ako nabastos or anything.

I thought mabilis lang yung buong process dahil maliit lang yung bukol. Pero nahirapan sila doc na hanapin yung lump. Pinakuha pa nila yung U/S pics kay B na nasa waiting room. After a while nakita din and tinanggal. After nun, they sewed me back together. Hehe.

Mukhang fats sa longganiza yung nakuha sa akin. Alam niyo yun? Yung white stuff sa longganiza? Ganun. Sorry, gross ba?

Kung gano kabilis umepekto yung anesthesia, ganun kabilis din nagwear off. Pasalamat na lang ako na hindi pa sumasakit nung tinatahi nila yung wound. Pero nung tumayo ako, grabe, sobrang sakit. Naglakad ako magisa from the OR to the wating room. Nung nakita ko si B at si Daddy dun, napaupo ako napaiyak na lang. Nun ko lang nafeel yung super sakit.

Mali atang umiyak ako sa waiting room kasi nakita nung isang patient na lolo at isa pang patient na bata. Ooperahan pa lang sila. Pero di ko talaga natiis eh. Kailangan kong iiyak. Binigyan naman ako ni doc ng prescription ngr mefenamic acid para sa sakit.

After asikasuhin ni B yung papers for HMO and Philhealth, bumili kami ng gamot then hinatid na kami ni Daddy dito sa QC. Kumain ako sa auto tapos uminom kagad. Nageffect naman kagad yung mefenamic kasi naibsan yung pain. Nagrequest ako kay B na wag na siyang pumasok and I was so happy nung pumayag siya. (Thank you B kasi di mo ako iniwan! I love you! Mwah!)

Sa Medical City pala ako inoperahan and wala akong binayaran. Buti na lang. Kung sakali P30,000 din yun. San naman ako kukuha ng amount na yun? I'm glad I decided to avail of the HMO package sa office. Buti rin na may Philhealth ako.

I pray that the result of the biopsy tsaka yung APE and pap smear ko will come back na wala nang prublema.

Salamat sa inyong lahat na nagpray para sa akin. God bless you!

update

I got the U/S results yesterday. It had a BIRAD 4 rating, meaning the lump is suspicious and a biopsy is recommended so that the tissue can be diagnosed. I read in the internet that a significant percentage of BIRAD 4's are benign. Let's pray that mine's included in that significant percentage.

The OB told me to wait until my period comes because the lumps may just be caused by hormonal changes. But I think I can't wait any longer. The anxiety is killing me! B and I are going to seek another OB's opinion tomorrow. The sooner we get a conclusive diagnosis, the better. I'm willing to go under the knife naman para lang matapos na.

Thank you to everyone who's praying for me. Tuloy lang ang dasal. =)

******

Yesterday morning, before I went to see the doctor, I stayed at the MMC to look after my aunt. She was undergoing chemotherapy for her leukemia. She was really weak.

She said pagod na siya magpagamot and she asked her doctor to tell her na how much time she has left. That's really brave of her. Sabi niya she's not blaming God naman and she embraces everything as it is.

Her Christian friends visited her and read bible verses to her. Nakinig na rin ako. Sabi nila if you are a believer, there is no such thing as coincidence. Lahat ng bagay predetermined. Tapos problems daw are God's megaphone to us. Parang they remind us na God is in-charge, that He calls the shots.

I guess I needed to be reminded of that.

scaredy kat

I had my annual physical exam yesterday and the doctor found a lump on my right breast. I'm really, really scared.

Nagpaultrasound ako and I watched the images the whole time and magkaiba talaga ang left and right breasts ko. Clear ang left tapos may mga black spots sa right. Hindi nakatulong na nagchuckle and technician nung tinanong ko kung ano yung mga minamark niyang yun. Ewan ko, pero siguro sa tingin niya mas okay na di ko alam kung ano yun. Pero mas gusto ko na alam ko na kung anong haharapin ko.

Naiiyak ako after ng ultrasound pero I tried to hold back the tears dahil kasama ko si B and he told me I have to be strong. Tsaka I just have to be thankful na at least may kakayanan ako magpacheck-up and magundergo ng kung anu-anong medical chorva.

Sa Saturday ko pa malalaman kung anong gagawin--if kailangan bang tanggalin or kung mawawala ba ng kusa or kung anuman. May three days pa akong bubunuin before Sabado so good luck. Medyo nasasad ako pero alam ko I have to go on lang. Hindi naman gusto ng Diyos na huminto ako sa pagwowork or malungkot ako forever. Alam ko I'm going through this dahil gusto Niya maging strong ako. Sabi nga ni B, di ka naman bibigyan nang hindi mo kakayanin.

Buti na lang andito pa si B. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko kung nagkataong nakaalis na siya. Wala pa man din si Mommy tapos si Daddy naman ay nagbabantay sa aunt ko na nasa MMC. She's battling leukemia naman.

I'm praying that this is not something major. Please pray for me too.

******

Yung mga ganitong pangyayari talaga nakakapagpabago ng pananaw mo sa buhay. Kaninang umaga on my way to work, I was trying to absorb everything--lahat ng sounds, lahat ng sights. Kahit yung mundane na mga bagay pinapansin ko.

Hindi pa naman siguro ako kukunin ni Lord, pero pag lang alam mong may mali sa katawan mo at di mo pa alam kung ano yun, sobrang matututo kang iappreciate lahat ng nakikita, naamoy at nafifeel mo ngayon. Nakakatakot kasi eh. Baka, di ba, malay mo, limited na lang pala ang oras mo.

Nasasad ako pero at the same time nilulook forward ko ang mga days na darating. Parang bahala na, gusto ko nang gawin lahat.

Napaisip nga ako kanina eh. Natutuwa ako kasi wala naman akong nireregret sa buhay ko. Nagawa ko naman yung mga gusto ko. Alam naman ng mga taong mahal ko na mahal ko sila. Pinapagsa-Diyos ko na lang lahat. Bigla akong naging aware na may mas malaking being kaysa sa akin at may buong universe na naeexist, hindi lang yung maliit na mundong ginagalawan ko araw-araw.

******

Gusto ko lang pasalamatan ang Baby ko kasi sinamahan niya ako kahapon sa APE ko.

Thank you B, una for convincing me to avail of the APE privilege ng HMO ko at panagalawa, sa pagsama at pangatlo, sa support. I love you!

SG B

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.
--Walk Away, Ben Harper

B's leaving for Singapura soon. So now alam niyo na kung ano yung pinagkakasentihan ko sa two past entries? I'm very happy for and proud of Reden, but of course, it's always sad to be far from the one you love. Torture ito! But, based from experience, it becomes more bearable in time. I have fears, but B's always maagap in reassuring me that he loves me and that won't happen. Besides, Singapore is a three-hour plane ride away. Kailangan ko nang ihanda ang sarili ko sa pagsakay ng Tiger Air. Turbulence galore! Hehehe.

I'm looking forward to visiting him there. In the meantime, I'll take advantage of the few weeks he's here in Pinas.

dear God

I'm sorry if I've been constantly bugging You lately. I just really, really want it badly. But I know things will happen in Your time. Nakakfrustrate lang minsan pag hindi ko magetz kagad kung anong gusto Mong gawin ko. Siguro kailangan ko lang maging mas in touch with You para di ako madalas naliligaw.

Now I know that it's not a no. It's just a not yet.

Salamat sa lahat ng blessings Niyo sa akin at sa mga mahal ko sa buhay. I know You have plans for all of us.

Love,
Kat

vague entry

It's amazing how yesterday only makes sense today. I think there are some things in the past that we can only understand in the context of the present, that God meant for you to be stronger and wiser. Parang sa college, may courses na prerequisite to other courses. Kasi kung di mo pagdadaanan yung nauunang course, di ka magiging ready for the next one.

I'm sorry if I'm being vague. I know this entry does not make sense to you now, but you'll understand in the next couple of days.