trying to deal

So much has happened since my last journal entry. 

My mom had the MRI and the results said that there has been a recurrence of the cancer tumor and it has metastasized to her bones. That's the reason she has been feeling severe pains on her lower back. Her edema is caused by swollen lymph nodes at her groin area, which signifies there's something wrong in her pelvis area. That's the cancer saying "hi, I'm back."

I've cried a couple of times out of disbelief, denial and pity for my mom. She's in so much pain. Although we still get glimpses of the Mayen who was full of life and always bungisngis, most of the time her forehead is wrinkled and instead of laughs, we hear sobs. I really pray the doctors will be able to manage the pain so she can concentrate on getting well.

We've decided to bring her to Manila Doctors Hospital and have Dr. Ricky Luna supervise her chemotherapy. She just finished her first cycle of Cisplatin + Paclitaxel yesterday and she's already feeling the side effects. She gets nauseous and then vomits, feels heavy and has even more swollen feet. I hope these will subside in a few days time.

The doctor said we will only be able to evaluate the effectiveness of the therapy after the third session. If it's working, mommy should feel it. The swelling of the lymph nodes should be gone and her bone pain should decrease. I pray that she'll get better days ahead. My spirit breaks each time I hear her wail in pain.

I'm trying to hold on. I do miss my life a few months back. I was so carefree then, focused on myself and the little goals I have. Now I suddenly have this huge responsibility of being with her and taking care of her. There are moments when I wish this didn't happen and for everything to go back to the way it was. But I know that's not possible. This is my reality now. I have to accept the fact that my mom is sick.

No one requires me to be here. I went back because I wanted to. I'm staying because I want to. I know I can't be in peace if I go back to Singapore, knowing my mom is in so much pain and needs my help.

I want to believe my mom will get better, but sometimes, when she's crying, I realize that it would be alright if God takes her too. I just want her pain to be over, whether she gets well or she moves on. Either way is fine with me. But of course, I'd rather her get well and be around.

This is a difficult time for our family and I am touched by friends and relatives who have expressed their concern and support and offered their help. It is during times like this when your true friends reveal themselves and I am thankful that there are plenty who have said they're praying for us and we are in their thoughts.